Do opposites attract? Hmm, that depends. This is a question that social scientists and researchers have been pondering for years. Unfortunately, the results are not clear due to the complex nature of studying human relationships and attraction.
However, many studies agree that individuals neither look for the exact opposite nor their exact clone when looking for a mate. Rather we try to find someone that will compliment our own likes and dislikes and thus inspire us to thrive. We have seen trends where individuals will seek a partner with similar traits or features such as physical attractiveness, education (either book or street knowledge), wealth, motivation, and overall philosophical or religious views. I have found in my clinical work that it is not just these broad categories that make a difference in relationships. Attraction can be related to an individual who finds sameness in their partner concerning their core beliefs and issues. If that is achieved, you may tolerate many differences on less important traits.
This ties into a second question: how to best cope when your spouse is of the opposite inclination when it comes to "keeping" and "tossing" of personal possessions.
I just read a great article that provided tips on having a successful marriage. It was written by two comedians who are married (to each other). Their first tip was if you can agree what constitutes a clean room, then you will have a good marriage. What a great tip. However I will take their suggestion even further. If you can agree on what is clean - in both the sense of sanitary and tidiness - then you will have less conflict (leading to a stronger marriage). The sanitary sense of clean involves many components such as what clean means, how often it needs to be done, and who is responsible for the cleaning. Tidiness includes how to store items and what to keep or toss from your home. If you can agree on both of these issues then you will have one less marital issue.
Chances are there are few couples (who are still married) in which one person is a hoarder and the other is a neat-nick. Hoarding at a clinical level occurs in less than 2 percent of the population and if a hoarder were married to a compulsive cleaner, it would lead to significant marital issues.
However, I have yet to find a couple that completely agrees on cleaning and de-cluttering; this would include me and my husband. My husband has joked more than once that he fears coming home one day to find our sofa thrown out because I was cleaning up and donating extra household items. I do not like clutter. For over a decade he has dealt with me throwing things out - sometimes (okay many times) before he was ready for an item to be tossed. Psychology has shown that a great deal of our adult behavior can be explained by our up-bringing (nurture part of the nature/nurture argument). For example, I grew up in a household where there was very little clutter. It was a rare day that items were left on a counter, table top, etc... We were taught that items were stored and if there was no place to store it then the item needed to be thrown away. My husband grew up in a household where items were collected, saved, and treasured. You can imagine the challenges we have had over the years since we both adopted similar stances as our parents! Yet over time, we have both compromised and have found a way to both be comfortable in our home.
Here are some tips on how to cope when you and your spouse are of the opposite inclination when it comes to keeping and tossing:
Communicate your needs. If you are a keeper and would like to save a particular item, then identify your reason, the significance, and how you are going to keep it. You may have a special collection of rocks. If you have limited living and storage space you may need to prioritize what and how many rocks you keep, or you may only display your five favorite rocks and have the rest in storage.
Set realistic expectations. My husband uses the phrase, "form over function" often. This is in response to when I have arranged something based on my desire not to have clutter (form) over the practical utility (function). For example, I had wanted to put our espresso maker in a cabinet so it was not on the counter. He reminded me that taking the espresso maker in and out of the cabinet was not practical since he used it daily. He had a point. My desire to have no clutter was highly unrealistic. So there is an espresso maker on the counter.
Compromise. Finding a middle ground can be challenging. With the espresso maker, we compromised that all the coffee accessories would be stored in the cabinet above the counter. That way only the espresso maker was left out but the tamper, cups, sugar, spoons, etc. were stored out of sight. My husband can easily make coffee and I do not have to see the clutter. Plus, I now enjoy a daily espresso also.
Re-evaluate and compromise again. Even though I do not like clutter, I have been known to save certain items for a long time. I still have text books from high school and college. As we have moved a number of times, the number of books has been parred down to special texts and collections of books that have influenced me - not all my books. The need to re-evaluate and assess what I needed versus what I wanted has changed over time. Remember that over the years, people change and so do their circumstances.
Be realistic. If you have a large home with excess storage space, you can accommodate having more stuff. If you are in a small space you are more limited - unless you are willing to rent or buy more storage space. It is important to be mindful that just because you have room or the financial means to have more does not mean that you need or have to keep everything. So when compromising, remember to have reasonable expectations of how much you want in and around the house.
Use technology. Five years ago I would not have parted with as many books as I did this past year. Yet with the advances in technology, I have been able to reduce the number of books I have saved by having audio copies. Remember technology can scan papers, documents, pictures, etc. Our need to save paper and receipts can be streamlined. You can scan your child’s artwork versus saving every drawing made. Thus, you keep all of their treasures yet in a manageable manner.
Tolerate (and genuinely) accept your differences. Understanding and accepting your spouse’s differences is important to a healthy relationship. If you just "deal with it" and do not talk about your struggles, then resentment can build. Be honest about what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not. Discuss your concerns before they become issues.
Hopefully these tips will facilitate more open communication with your spouse if you are in disagreement about what to toss or keep in your home, garage, or storage facilities.
About the writer: Dr. Susan West has been practicing on Daniel Island since 2005. She has a special interest in providing psychological services tailored to meet needs of individual, families, and couples. Dr. West offers assessment and treatment for a broad range of areas including: depression, anxiety, adjusting to various life changes (marriage, divorce, parenthood, career change, etc.), post-traumatic adjustment concerns, academic difficulties, addictions, coping with chronic pain/health problems, body image concerns, and/or relationship difficulties. If you have any questions, please call Dr. West of Daniel Island Psychological Associates, LLC at (843) 278-5402.
