One of the toughest things to do is to give feedback to someone to get them to change their behavior. It doesn’t matter whether you are a parent, partner, friend, manager, teacher, coach or therapist. It is hard giving corrective feedback in a way that it can be heard and accepted.

Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how good your intentions are. There will be occasions when it all goes in one ear and out the other, or worse, it blows up in your face—causing hurt feelings and an even greater resistance to change.

When this happens, the temptation for both the giver and the receiver of the feedback is to blame the other person. We tell ourselves that there must be something wrong with the other person for acting this way. If we are the giver, we say the other person is too difficult or defensive. If we are on the receiving end, we see the giver as too demanding or critical. Either way, we see the other person as the problem and lose sight of the behavior.

Therein lies the key to what’s wrong. It’s the relationship that’s not working, and when that’s the case, there is almost no way for feedback to have a positive impact. Even the most heartfelt compliment will sound like phony baloney when the relationship is in trouble. And by the same token, there’s miniscule chance that a "helpful suggestion" will be heard as anything other than finding fault.

On the other hand, when the relationship is strong and working well, there is a great deal more latitude. We are much more forgiving about the exact words that are used, the tone of voice, body language and most of all what the concern is. In short, if you want me to care about what’s important to you, then I need to know you care about me to a degree I think is appropriate for our relationship (e.g., as a family member, friend, employer, etc).

That doesn’t mean you have to care about me above all else for all time. It does mean that at this moment you genuinely value me despite what you think I may need to change. It also means that you have enough respect for me to look at this issue from my perspective and will try to understand what I think, how I am feeling, and what I want.

It also doesn’t mean that I won’t be satisfied until things are done my way. There is interesting psychological research that shows it is sometimes more important for people to be heard than for them to get monetary justice. In one study participants were given the option of either having their day in court (literally) but thereby forfeiting compensation or receiving a small financial incentive in exchange for silence. Most chose to forego the monetary award in favor of having their say.

So the next time you have difficult feedback to give, consider your relationship with that individual and whether that needs to be the real focus of your concern.