Our mental health series continues today with advice from Barbara Fowler, who responded to this reader request: "Teenagers can’t determine speed well, don’t realize consequences, etc. Get some research on it." Fowler talks about the adolescent brain as well as how parents can work with their teenager.
Teenagers are some of my favorite people. Fifty percent of my clients are teenagers. They are fascinating! The majority of their personality style has psychologically developed. The older teenager is usually the person he/she will be in adulthood. Yet, family life can be stressful for everyone. When the child was younger parents used to be able to direct, reason, and/or control their child’s actions and behaviors. During adolescence it can be extremely difficult to make a teenager do something he/she doesn’t want to do.
Hallowell and Ratey, two child and adult psychiatrists from Massachusetts call family life with teenagers the "big struggle." It is like a war on different fronts: attitude, homework, chores, and cooperation. Teenagers seem intelligent, well spoken, academically accomplished, socially aware, and then they misplace things, aren’t logical, can’t follow simple directions, and make poor decisions such as texting and driving. Below are some studies that help explain the teen brain.
Research studies reported by the National Institute of Health say MRI’s (magnetic resonance imaging) indicate that the frontal lobe of the brain is not fully developed until young adulthood. The frontal lobe is responsible for "executive function" which regulates planning, organizing, making decisions, paying attention, managing time, and remembering details. In some areas your teenager is not "connecting the dots" well. He/she may be driving the car, talking with friends, listening to music and not focusing on the speed limit.
The teenager is trying to make decisions but the executive function is not working efficiently. Therefore, teens may ask friends for advice, take longer to make a decision, or act without completely thinking through a situation. If a teen is feeling pressure or stress in a situation, a teen might become frustrated, angry, or retreat to his/her room, computer, or cell phone. He/she may be trying to deal with the situation but become overwhelmed and give up.
Other MRI studies from Harvard Medical School reveal that the teenage brain is fast growing but sections remain unconnected. Dr. Jensen, a professor of neurology says, "These people have very sharp brains, but they’re not quite sure what to do with them."
Dr. Corey talks about Erikson’s Stages of Development for ages 12 to 18. Erikson says it is a time of transition between childhood and adulthood. Corey describes this as teens testing limits. During adolescence teens clarify their self-identity, life goals, and life’s meaning. This is a positive and essential process for teenagers.
While your teenager is going to school, doing homework, connecting socially, joining sport teams, participating in clubs, doing volunteer work, he/she is also trying to achieve a sense of self-worth personally, with his/her friends, and with his/her community. It sounds overwhelming for the teen. Below are some ideas that can help the parents and family.
Acknowledge strengths. Positive Psychology came from the University of Pennsylvania and is also the groundwork of Coaching. One way of focusing on the positive is by enumerating your son’s/daughter’s strengths and talents on a regular basis. Strengths are adjectives such as: accommodating, adventurous, affectionate, alert, artistic, authentic, capable, careful, cheerful, confident, considerate, determined. In coaching I start by identifying a person’s strengths from Fowler’s list of 150 adjectives.
The number of times a parent reinforces strengths or talents should be greater than the number of times a parent teaches or corrects behavior. Research shows reinforcing positive strengths of your teenager increases his/her self-awareness, self-esteem, motivation, and the positive relationship between parent and son/daughter.
Let go. It is a fine line which will change according to your teen’s needs and behaviors. At this point in his/her life, home is your child’s safety net. It is a great time to let go. Parents are still there, but giving your teenager some power, control, and freedom to make choices (with boundaries) in his/her life and still be safe. If things aren’t working well at school or with friends they know they can come home, be loved, cared for, and talk if they choose.
Set Boundaries. Rules help your teen. Expect your teenagers to test the rules, but let them know what is expected in your home and the consequences. Schools have rules and consequences. Usually students know and follow them. Parents can ask other families their rules and decide what is realistic.
Be Consistent. The truth is: consistent consequences do work. If necessary, reinforce with your son/daughter the consequence of breaking a particular rule beforehand. Make the consequence reasonable and follow through. State the rule and the consequence as though you were a State Police Officer giving a speeding ticket. It is said directly and without emotion. It takes practice to give a consequence without an emotion.
Pick Priorities. In order to be consistent, parents might need to limit their focus. Choose several priorities that are important for your family and be consistent. Parents cannot be on top of everything all the time.
Have Fun. Enjoy your teenager. You have instilled in him/her your values and priorities. Fun and enjoyment are basic concepts for human motivation. As your teenager grows into adulthood, motivate him/her to be the person he/she wants to be. Find activities that everyone enjoys. Ask for suggestions from your teen. Have fun and enjoy your time with your teenager.
Barbara A. Fowler, M.A. works with children, teens, families, and adults. In Philadelphia she was in private practice for over 7 years as a Psychotherapist and Coach and for over 1 year has continued her work in Charleston as a Coach with offices on DI and Mt. Pleasant. Barbara is an international speaker, writer, trainer, consultant to schools and professionals. Her areas of expertise are: academic, career, organization, relationship, personal, executive, and ADHD coaching. Barbara can be reached at 843-377-8794 or bfowler22@aol.com.