In my private practice I have treated many families in the midst of separation/divorce. Although such cases tend to vary dramatically in terms of the unique circumstances involved, there is one common denominator - the children are the most vulnerable victims. The extent of emotional damage inflicted on children in high conflict separation/divorce situations is directly proportional to the level of anger, bitterness and resentment harbored by the parents. I am a strong advocate of the old adage, children are better off in a broken home than a home that is broken but I would like to qualify this notion by adding, only when the parents are able to behave appropriately by taking the emotional needs of the child into account. Children identify with both parents. When one or the other parent falls under attack, the child perceives it as personal assault and a painful loyalty bind.

Many people fail to realize that whether they like it or not, the family system does not cease to exist simply because the divorce papers are signed. One of my favorite things to teach young patients is that they are still a family and always will be even after a divorce is finalized. It really does take a village to raise a child. When parents behave in a vengeful, immature and vindictive manner towards one another they deny their children a healthy sense of stability, continuity and personal identity. The greatest prognostic indicator of long term emotional adjustment in children following divorce is the quality of the relationship between the parents. Even in cases where one parent cannot be physically present due to geographic location or restrictions on custody/visitation, consistency goes a long way and the quality of the time spent together is often more important than the quantity.

Consider a young child who looks forward to Wednesday night sleepovers at dad’s place each week. The child anticipates the visit; perhaps he even tells his friends or teacher about it and he is able to prepare himself emotionally for the transition between households. Now consider a child who lives in a perpetual state of inner turmoil, never knowing when he will see or speak with dad again. This child will very likely suffer the emotional fallout of sudden unanticipated encounters and anxiety provoking transitions characterized by intermittent reunions and separations. Young children who are left wondering when and how they will see mom or dad again often exhibit symptoms of anxiety, depression, grief or even full blown panic. I often recommend that parents purchase a large month-at-a-glance desk calendar to help children conceptualize -often with the help of multi-colored markers- the revolving visitation schedule. For example, green days are spent with mom and red days are spent with dad.

Even in the healthiest cases of amicable divorce where both parents behave in a calm, respectful and cooperative manner and manage to co-parent effectively for the benefit of the children, transitioning between two separate households can still be quite stressful for young children. The level of stress involved tends to be directly proportional to the age and temperament of the child, with younger children and highly sensitive/fearful children requiring more nurturing and preparation. It is helpful for parents to evaluate the individual needs of each child based on age and temperament and adjust accordingly.

First and foremost, parents should strive for consistency and continuity during times of family transition and reorganization. Children tend to be highly resilient and adaptive but even so, healthy emotional adjustment is supported when there is minimal disruption of daily schedules and activities. I have seen parents arrive at many creative ways to manage the transition, from designated weekdays and rotating weekends to the common joint custody scenario of one week on, one week off. It does not matter so much the type of schedule, as long as it is consistent and predictable and tailored to meet the unique emotional and chronological needs of all children involved. A very young child might not be emotionally prepared to handle an overnight visit at dad’s new home. I like to advise parents to take baby steps towards the ultimate goal, for example, several weeks of dinner with dad after school followed by a full weekend day with dad and finally, spending the night. Some children find comfort in bringing along a favorite toy or familiar object when transitioning between homes, for example a favorite blanket or stuffed animal. Ideally, the child should have a safe space of his own at the new home such as a bedroom or loft area where he can leave personal belongings and even decorate if possible. Older children and adolescents benefit from continued participation in the same extracurricular activities and hobbies they enjoyed prior to the separation/divorce, as this provides a sense of continuity and healthy social interaction.

In high conflict cases where anger and resentment prevail, parents tend to cling tightly to formalized visitation schedules. Such rigidity is rarely good for the children. For example, perhaps dad always attended soccer practice on Wednesday evenings but Wednesday is now mom’s designated day. In a cooperative parenting relationship this problem is easily resolved because both parents are equally committed to tolerance, compassion and flexibility for the benefit of the children. Dad and child enjoy soccer practice followed by a fun pizza dinner, the child is delivered safely back to mom’s home later that evening and everyone is happy. Similarly, perhaps mom is hosting out of town relatives for a special family reunion but the event falls on dad’s designated weekend. In a cooperative parenting situation, dad is happy to swap out weekends with mom to allow the children to visit with extended family and everyone benefits from the exchange.

In cases of high conflict divorce, the emotional needs of the children are forgotten as parents compete for a sense of power and control. Most parents love their children and yet, in cases of high conflict separation and divorce, the children are lost inside a blinding storm of unrelenting anger, bitterness and resentment. When I sit across from parents in my office, look them in the eye and ask if they would willingly place their beloved children directly in harm’s way, the answer is always a resounding no. There are very few parents in the world that would intentionally cause harm to their children, however periods of anger and rage render people temporarily insane and divorce is no exception. The good news is that it is never too late to reverse the damage. Even if one parent refuses to change, the other (healthier) parent can choose not to engage with the bitterness. When one parent learns to resist provocation and remain calm, grounded and centered, the other parent is left with a one sided battle and the raging storms of destruction eventually begin to clear. Why not quiet the storm and calm the child? It is a small price to pay for the return of a child’s smile. When the clouds part and the fog of anguish finally lifts that smile will shine brighter than the golden sun.