Did you catch that exciting nil-nil World Cup soccer game between Ivory Coast and Portugal? Me neither. I understand that it had all the rush of the zero-zero England vs. Algeria match and was almost as thrilling as the epic Uruguay-France contest that also ended up nothing to nothing. I don’t want to toot my own vuvuzela (those annoying horns continuously blown by World Cup fans during matches and producing a droning sound much like a swarm of bees), but I could have told the folks at ESPN that soccer doesn’t televise well in this country.
Not that I’m opposed to soccer. After all, it (a.k.a. futbol) is the favored sporting event for billions of people. Children’s programs, such as the one run by the Cainhoy Athletic Soccer Club, are great, but a two hour televised game with a decent chance that one or both teams may not even score? A friend says this infrequency of goals adds an element of anticipation to the game. Waiting for an asteroid to hit earth may also be anticipatory, but the networks don’t televise pictures of space. However, if the television channels did show this and added a background of vuvuzelas blaring away like frenzied cicadas, some people just might tune in. As with the World Cup, don’t go to the bathroom or you may miss all the action.
Guy 1: "What happened while I was in the can?"
Guy 2: "A monster meteoroid plunged into the Indian Ocean."
Guy 1: "Crap! Will there be a replay?"
In the meantime, it is kick, kick, kick, head, kick, kick, head, kick, out of bounds, kick, kick, head, head, white card, kick, kick, head, kick, kick, kick…and so on. That’s a hard sell to the American mentality of ‘I want crazy action and I want it right now!’ Americans think major league baseball is slow and grow impatient waiting in the drive-thru line at McDonalds.
So, where can these folks turn? Where can they find entertainment that is fast, frenetic and wackier than hiking the Appalachian Trail? Having surveyed the full range of alternatives, the answer seems clear: South Carolina politics. It’s nastier than ultimate cage fighting, goofier than roller derby, and phonier than wrestling. It is full of suspense, intrigue, surprising upsets, oodles of violence and career-ending injuries-- all right there for your viewing pleasure!
In a little over a year, we have been regaled with:
• The zany antics of our Lieutenant Governor
• The escapades of our Luv Gov and his soul mate
• Races filled with more allegations of infidelity and wrongdoing than a full season of Desperate Housewives
• Alvin Greene
• Members of poor Alvin’s own party trying to spoil his ‘from out of nowhere’ moment
• A blogger endorsing a candidate, whom weeks before, he had accused of improprieties – proving South Carolina politics makes strange…well, you get the picture
• Did I mention Alvin Greene?
For a humor writer, this is manna from heaven. I couldn’t make this stuff up if you held a vuvuleza to my ear. For you taxpayers, it may not be as funny. My friend, Fred, who moved to Daniel Island from New Orleans, says that he expected the humidity and politics to be less messy than in Louisiana. Fred now says he was wrong on both counts.
If you are distressed by the tawdry side of ‘gum’mint’ in the Palmetto State, here is an idea. Purchase a vuvuzela and come with me. We’ll caravan to Columbia and sit in the gallery of the Statehouse and give our politicians a vuvuzela salute – non-stop for ninety minutes or until we get a red card.