Count Me In

From The Daniel Island News

Humor
Count Me In
By Dalton Williams
Jan 20, 2010 - 11:44:17 AM

Uncle Sam wants you! To be more precise, he wants to know you are ‘out there’ and ‘where it is that you are at’ in this great U. S. of A. Over the next few months, Americans will be bombarded by a plethora of public service announcements regarding the upcoming 2010 Census. As mandated by the Constitution, our government has conducted a census every ten years since 1790. The effort attempts to count all inhabitants of the country and collect certain demographic data.

Of course 1790 was not the first census, as anyone knows who has ever attended a grade school Christmas pageant. Luke chapter 2 teaches, "In those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus…So all went to be enrolled, each to his own town. And Joseph too went up from Galilee to Bethlehem…to be enrolled with Mary, who was with child."

Fortunately, we need only travel to our mailbox to be counted in the 2010 census. The government is mailing a "short-form" questionnaire to all U. S. addresses. Recipients are to answer ten questions and mail the form back to the Feds. To ensure the count is accurate, everyone is to be tallied on a specific date. Sounds like a good idea. So, what date have the government wizards selected? April 1! Yep, April Fools Day. That should help build confidence in the outcome.

While there are concerns in some quarters about the information collected and how it will be used, it is important for South Carolinians to participate. State populations are used to allocate seats in the U. S. House of Representatives. Size matters! We have a good shot at gaining an additional seat. Ohio, on the other hand, stands to lose a seat – fair payback, if you ask me, for the dastardly acts done to the Palmetto State by Buckeyes William Tecumseh Sherman, architect of urban renewal in Columbia, and Woody Hayes, Ohio State football coach who punched Clemson player Charlie Bauman during the 1978 Gator Bowl.

Consequently, Dalton Williams offers the following to his fellow citizens: a sneak preview of the 10 questions on the 2010 census form. Think of this act as somewhat comparable to the kid in school who offered you a purloined copy of an upcoming test. So, keep this on the down low. If Rahm Emanuel comes around asking questions, you didn’t get it from me.

Question 1: How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010?

Question 2: Were there any additional people staying here April 1, 2010 that you did not include in Question 1?

Question 3: Did you remember to look in the closets, attic, and crawl space?

Question 4: Are you employed? If yes, did you happen to notice that we "saved" your job in 2009?

Question 5: Is your job a "green job"? If yes, how green? Select the shade that best matches your job from the following: celadon, chartreuse, emerald, forest, jade, kelly, lime shamrock, or teal. If not, you are in some serious doo doo, pal!

Question 6: Are you shovel ready? If not, how soon can you be ready if we gave you the shovel?

Question 7: What is the size, in square feet, of your carbon footprint? Remember to include flatulence produced by all the people reported in response to Questions 1 – 3 above as well as all pets, particularly the dog.

Question 8: The current maximum individual income tax rate (before a boatload of add-ons) is 35 percent. How high could we raise that rate before you would go postal on us?

Question 9: What was your income in 2009?

Question 10: How about multiplying the amount from Question 9 by the percentage from Question 8, subtracting one dollar, and mailing us the resulting amount with this census form?