From The Daniel Island News

Humor
Dalton Williams looks ahead to predict the top stories of 2013
By Dalton Williams
Jan 9, 2013 - 9:43:36 AM


As reprisals of major new stories from 2012 fade from view, a new year dawns – Anno Domini 2013. Yikes! It contains the unlucky number 13! What lies ahead? Fear not – all is revealed as your fearless reporter continues an annual tradition in The Daniel Island News – reporting the top stories, before they occur, for the year ahead.

January: After stumbling around the fiscal cliff, Congress and the President began posturing for impending debt ceiling negotiations. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner announces that he has taken ‘emergency measures’ for the U. S. government to avoid running out of money early in 2013. Pressed for more details the Secretary reveals that he sent emails, posing as a Nigerian Prince with an inheritance to share in return for a small cash advance, to billions of unsuspecting recipients. “We can’t believe how much revenue that raised,” Geithner chuckles.

February: Global financial traders report that the European Principality of Liechtenstein has begun quietly buying U. S. government debt instruments. Hollywood pundits, who predicted a best actor award for Daniel Day-Lewis in Lincoln, are shocked when the Oscar goes to Will Ferrell for his evocative work in Casa de mi Padre. Police are summoned by neighbors to a Daniel Island home to quell a raucous disturbance following a couples’ book club review of Fifty Shades of Grey.   

March: Asked if we should worry about Liechtenstein’s acquisitions of U. S. debt, Treasury Secretary Geithner replies, “How could a country with low taxes, low debt and high GDP per capita be a threat to us?”  Charleston Southern beats Duke in round 1 of the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. A USA Today survey discloses that more Americans can name the Three Stooges than can identify the three branches of government.

April: Political fighting between President Moe and Speaker of the House Larry intensifies with Moe proposing new stimulus spending and Larry vowing Congress will not approve it. Charleston Southern caps its magical run through the NCAA basketball tournament winning the national championship title game against Indiana. The 500th anniversary of Juan Ponce de Leon’s landing on the east coast of Florida is marked with the release of newly discovered sketches of the famed explorer. Contrary to the belief Ponce de Leon wore pantaloons, these renderings clearly show him clad in plaid shorts, black knee sox, and street shoes.

May: Standard & Poor’s, Moody’s and Fitch all signal another downgrade of the U. S. sovereign credit rating unless Moe and Larry can agree on a ‘substantive and timely deficit and debt reduction plan.’ Treasury Secretary Geithner proposes a government-sponsored bake sale to help reduce the current deficit shortfall. In an upset the mainstream press calls “a Cinderella story outta nowhere,” Bill Murray wins the special election to fill the House seat previously held by Senator Tim Scott. A little-known provision of the Affordable Care Act (a.k.a. Moecare) kicks in with a 0.25% surtax to fund a zombie apocalypse defense system.

June: The 7th annual Rotary Charity Duck Race on Daniel Island is a huge success, once more raising money for many worthy charitable causes. National Accordion Awareness month kicks off with a tour of the U. S. by the Royal Polka Band of Liechtenstein. Zombie pandemics break out simultaneously in California and Massachusetts. The President appoints Robert Pattinson czar for zombie eradication.   

July: Kate Middleton gives birth to a daughter who, following a 2011 change in laws of succession, replaces Prince Harry of Wales as third in line to the royal throne. Speculation that Harry might be despondent by his move to fourth place is dispelled when TMZ posts videos of the Prince dancing shirtless on the bar at a pub on the outskirts of Stoke-on-Trent.

August: Liechtenstein stuns global financial markets with an announcement that it has acquired 100 percent of the U. S. debt previously held by the People’s Republic of China. “The Chinese dropped that stuff like a hot spaetzle,” states Liechtenstein’s finance minister. “We got it for francs on the yuan,” he grins. Kim Kardashian gives birth to a baby boy then promptly dumps the baby’s father, Kanye West, for a new boyfriend, the rapper Psy.  

September: Fans of Downton Abbey and Mad Men are stunned as Gator Boys and Duck Dynasty walk off with best drama Emmy awards. The best actress in a drama Emmy goes to Honey Boo Boo. Treasury Secretary Geithner asks South Eastern Conference athletic commissioner Mike Slive if the SEC will float the U. S. government a loan to cover a “small shortage in the till.” Zombies now control all of New England and most states west of the Rockies. “This difficult situation can be laid squarely at the feet of George W. Bush,” President Moe tells a troubled nation.   

October: Baseball fans in Cleveland and Chicago celebrate as the Indians and Cubs head to the World Series. Joseph A Banks announces a 125% off sale. The President announces that, as accommodation to Liechtenstein, Halloween will henceforth be renamed Oktoberfest. The SEC declines the U. S. loan request, opting instead to merge with the premier soccer league in Liechtenstein. NASA scientists embarrassingly retract reports that the Mars Curiosity rover had detected no signs of intelligent life when they discover the rover’s probes are focused on earth.

November: Unable to further finance zombie defense, the United States of America agrees to a friendly takeover by Liechtenstein. Prince Hans-Adam II assumes the duties of head of state and quickly announces that the National Football League will be replaced by the NSL, National Ski League. Lindsey Lohan is arrested in Hollywood for disturbing the peace at a trendy disco. Her publicist tweets, “Ms. Lohan regrets that mistakes were made follow an evening spent with a few of her zombie friends.”   

December: Prince Harry tweets congratulations to Prince Hans-Adam II and asks if the “number 2 in line” spot is available in the expanded Liechtenstein. Mexican tourism officials announce a “new and improved 2013 Mayan end of the calendar festival” for the last two weeks of the month. Polka is the top genre downloaded on iTunes. The University of South Carolina defeats Alabama in the SEC championship game completing an undefeated season and earning a spot to play in the BCS national championship game to be held in Vaduz, Liechtenstein.

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