||Last Updated: Dec 26, 2012 - 8:15:49 AM
Forget the fiscal cliff. Stop fretting over last minute holiday shopping. Cancel plans to watch that big bowl game. None of that stuff matters – at least according to the Mayan calendar that (some say) foretells the end of time on December 21, 2012. Yikes! That’s, like, way totally soon, dude! I haven’t even written Christmas cards to the people who sent me one first so that now I have to respond. No, wait! They won’t be there if my card arrives after December 21.
Is this chilling prophecy correct? Is doomsday just around the corner? Or will this all be another fizzle like the comet Kohoutek or Y2K? Your intrepid Daniel Island News investigative reporter tracked down a direct descendent of the creator of the Mayan calendar. This gentleman, who requested not to be identified (fine with me as his surname has seventeen letters, three of which are x), and I sat down over cups of Mexican Cocoa at a Daniel Island coffee shop.
Dalton Williams: Thanks for meeting. Is this, as the R.E.M. song says, the end of the world as we know it? It sounds rather apocalyptic.
Anonymous Mayan: Well, as a matter of fact, it is.
DW: What exactly happens when your calendar ends?
AM: Think of the earth as a giant Hostess Twinkie. One day, it’s here. The next day, it’s gone.
DW: Wow! Pretty graphic. Yet folks don’t seem to be taking this very seriously. I mean, just how credible is this threat to our existence?
AM: Let me put it this way. I wouldn’t purchase anything on layaway or buy any green bananas if I were you.
DW: I see. But, how do we know these primitive people who lived back…no offense intended to your relatives there…
AM: …some taken…
DW: …I mean, this ancient civilization, ingenious as they were…might they have just run out of stone for their calendars, or something such as that, rather than truly foretelling the future?
AM: My dear boy, seeing the future is a psychic gift my people possess.
DW: You, too?
AM: Oh, yes. For example, I sense you are planning to buy an Xbox 360 for a grandson.
DW: Who told you? Grace?
AM: Was I right?
DW: Yep. I’m going immediately after this interview. That was good, man.
AM: Don’t buy the extended warranty. You won’t need it.
DW: Oh, yeah. That calendar thing. So, since you can divine the future, when is it a good time to buy back into Apple stock?
AM: I don’t give financial advice. Plus, who knows how all these fiscal cliff and debt limit negotiations will work out?
DW: You do.
AM: Not after December 21!
DW: Okay, but let me ask you this. If there had been a year 2013, could you tell me what would have happened?
AM: I guess I could, but I really shouldn’t.
DW: One little peek?
AM: Just one. What topic?
AM (whispering): Well, the Chicago Cubs would have won the World Series.
DW: Get out of here!
DW: Neat. But let’s get back to the here and now.
AM: There isn’t much of that left, you know.
DW: So you say. Any last minute words of advice for our readers?
AM: I mentioned green bananas, didn’t I?
DW: You did.
AM: Drink the fine, old red wines…soon…and be sure to tell those that are special to you that you love them.
DW: That is good advice anytime. Thank you for your time today and your insights on the future.
AM: You are welcome. And, Merry Christmas.
DW: …wait, did you just wish me Merry Christmas?
AM: I did. And I must say I’m a tad disappointed you didn’t wish me the same.
DW: But, Christmas is December 25, after the 21.
AM (putting his hand on my arm): Actually, my friend, the Christmas season begins at Advent and ends with the Epiphany. And despite the attempts by some to water it down or have it go away, Christmas will come. Not just this year but for all time.