From The Daniel Island News

Humor
Say No Whey to This Cheesy Move!
By Dalton Williams
Apr 1, 2014 - 8:13:45 PM


How Cheesy! European Union officials recently demanded that U. S. cheese manufacturers refrain from using certain names on their products, such as parmesan, feta, and gorgonzola. The Europeans claim that products with these names should come only from the geographic region identified in the product name. For example, Parmesan (note the capital P now emphasized) cheese should come only from Parma, Italy. When pressed that there is no city or region in Greece with the name ‘feta’ the European regulators backtracked and suggested that feta, “is so closely connected to Greece as to be identified as an inherently Greek product.” As if Greek yogurt, Greek salad, and a bad economy aren’t?
Well, two can play this game, Europe. For openers, we have American cheese! I dare one of those European socialists to stroll, in his Italian loafers, into the Daniel Island Grille and inquire if he might have ‘European cheese’ on his burger. The reply translates as follows: non, nein, nee, nei, nej, or ohee. Kapish? If you really want to start a cheese skirmish, you better first consult past history. Google ‘tea, Boston, 1773.’
Better yet, I suggest we fight back – full speed ahead; damn the tournedos. Don’t wait for some cream puff negotiation. Let’s go Putin on them now! Here’s a recipe for sweet success:
1. Provide subsidies for Kraft, Sargento, and others to set up operations in Parma, Ohio, a lovely (okay, kinda lovely) suburb of Cleveland, Ohio. Parmesan problem solved.
2. With all the corruption and economic chaos in Greece, we should allow feta cheese to be imported from Greece, but with a prominent label, “The Government of Greece assures you this product is nutritionally reliable and fairly priced.” Au revoir and arrivederci feta.
3. We should inform our continental brethren they may no longer use any of the following names for food products or dishes: Boston baked beans or cream pie; Buffalo wings; New York or Kansas City strip steak; Coney Island hot dog; ribs or barbecue with any of numerous American city, state, or regional origin monikers; Brunswick stew; Philadelphia cheesesteak; Manhattan or New England clam chowder, Virginia peanuts, Key Lime pie; Baked Alaska; Mississippi mud pie; or Texas toast.
4. With regard to cheese varietals, if they want Parmesan, feta and Gorgonzola with their first three draft picks, we will take Monterey Jack, Colby, and Maytag Blue. Then, if we find out the chefs at Jules Verne restaurant on the Eiffel Tower are sneaking Colby (note the capital C, mon ami) into the croquet-monsieur, it’s a food fight!
5. Then, sit back, sip a Manhattan (Kentucky bourbon, of course) or Long Island Iced Tea and wait for them to surrender – after all, it’s so very European to do. 


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