Humorist Dalton Williams Predicts the Top News Stories of 2016
Editor’s note: While other publications report on events of the year that just passed, The Daniel Island News fearless pundit Dalton Williams regales, again, with the news of the year yet to come. Remember, you read it here first.
January: At a campaign rally, Donald Trump declares, “The Constitution and Bill of Rights are okay, but I’m going to make them way better. You’ll love it.” A Chipotle Grill restaurant in Las Vegas debuts its new Take-a-Chance meal. Following a month of Star Wars publicity and promotion, presidential preference polls reveal that both Trump and Clinton trail Yoda. San Francisco-based Fitbit discloses that its proprietary software systems have been hacked after millions of its customers report having recorded steps vanish from their activity trackers.
February: Super Bowl 50 is a rout as ISIS defeats the New England Patriots 666 to 14. Pats coach Bill Belichick laments, “They were way tougher than we thought and we just couldn’t contain them.” Keeping with tradition, President Obama invites the winning ISIS team to visit the White House. The F.B.I. charges Russian computer hackers with a scheme where they stole steps from people’s Fitbit trackers and then sold, for bitcoins, the steps to other individuals who used the pilfered steps to receive cost reductions on health insurance and gym memberships. Trump calls for a boycott of White Russian and Moscow Mule cocktails.
March: Astronaut Scott Kelly returns to earth after a year aboard the Space Station. NASA says tests conducted on Scott, and his twin brother Mark who remained on earth, may yield data for possible future travel to Mars. Brian Williams’s comments on Facebook, “I’ve been to Mars many times. Great place.” The Fitbit-Bitcoin scandal causes financial markets to retreat. The Federal Reserve Open Market Committee meets and does not raise interest rates beyond the increase made in December 2015. Fed Chair Janet Yellen explains the central bank’s caution saying, “Patience you must have, my young Padawan.”
April: Uber announces ride service to Mars. As the Fitbit-Bitcoin scandal intensifies, Hillary Clinton calls for a new reset with Russia. In an address to the nation, President Obama tells Americans who are boycotting Moscow Mules, “This is another illustration of actions that cause others to hate us and, if they do, it’s your fault.” The Bernie Sanders campaign reveals that staffers have located old Hillary Clinton emails that solicit donations to the Clinton Foundation in return for diplomatic favors while she was Secretary of State. Hillary retorts, “At this point, what difference does it make?”
May: Citing reports that the New Horizon spacecraft that passed Pluto detected high levels of nitrogen, Secretary of State Kerry demands that Pluto sign on to the U.N. Climate Change Agreement. As Sanders overtakes Clinton in the polls, he changes his hairdo to a blonde combover. Lincoln Chafee reenters the race, pledging to devote “every kilogram of my body” to the fight. In a move to improve its image, the international soccer governing body, FIFA, names Pete Rose its new president. Deftly navigating through a multi-car wreck in turn four of the last lap, a driverless car wins the Indianapolis 500.
June: Hillary Clinton is indicted by the Justice Department. As Democrats fret over who will prevail in their fast-approaching convention, President Obama steps in to help by offering Germany a trade of Bowe Bergdahl for Angela Merkle. Jar Jar Binks outswims 30,000 rubber ducks to finish first in the Rotary Charity Duck race. As financial markets continue to roil, Janet Yellen resigns as Federal Reserve Chair and is replaced by Martin Shkreli. Shkreli suggests that world banks should move toward the Bitcoin as the dominant reserve currency.
July: The Republican convention is deadlocked as Trump delegates are unable to reach a majority and opposing delegates refuse to negotiate. Finally, Trump proposes to settle the standstill at a roulette wheel at the Trump Cleveland Casino, with each candidate having the number of chances as he or she has delegates. In a stunning, televised “spinoff” Lindsey Graham, who has just one delegate, captures the nomination. The Democratic Convention is just as wild. Delegates, meeting in Philadelphia, turn against front-runner Bernie Sanders when he asks that the air conditioning be turned off to save the planet. The nomination seems headed toward Lincoln Chafee until delegates draft retired Charleston mayor, Joe Riley, despite his suggestion they, “take Tecklenburg instead.”
August: Several of the unsuccessful presidential candidates join the U. S. team for the XXXI Olympiad in Rio de Janeiro. Donald Trump wins gold in boxing, judo, and Greco-Roman wrestling as does the synchronized swim team of Hillary Clinton, Rand Paul, Bernie Sanders, and Chris Christie. Jamaican Usain Bolt captures gold, and the mantle of fastest human, in the 100 meters, narrowly edging Cuban sprinter Fidel Castro, who is awarded an eighty-five meter head start under an Olympics program to combat speed inequality. In the companion LGBT Olympics, Caitlyn Jenner runs away with the gold medal in the decathlon.
September: Doctors at Johns Hopkins report they have successfully grafted a cell phone to a patient’s palm. Riley and Graham disappoint the media when they hold a cordial and respectful debate. Polls show both candidates trailing Yoda by double digits. Donald Trump purchases the Grand Canyon from the National Park Service and tweets, “Trump Grand Canyon will be way, way grander. I guarantee people are going to love it.” A large, Midwestern university agrees to drop its grading and GPA system after students protest that it fosters inequality and differing levels of self-esteem among students.
October: The Supreme Court rules that Yoda cannot be a presidential candidate as he is not a natural born citizen. Millennials descend on Washington, D.C. to protest carrying signs and chanting, “Jedi Masters Matter.” Conde Nast magazine selects Charleston, once again, as the top place to visit. The big surprise is the magazine’s second place choice: Visit Charleston Again. Third place goes to Mars. After a 108-year drought, the Chicago Cubs are announced as winners of the World Series…by Steve Harvey, who quickly has to correct himself as he hands the Commissioner’s Trophy to the Kansas City Royals. The Norwegian Nobel Committee awards its 2016 Nobel Peace Prize to Ayatollah Khomeini.
November: Iran declares war on Norway. The Presidential vote is too close to call, with margins of sheer votes in many states. The Federal Election Commission says it could take months to resolve the outcome. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg suggests the parties settle the matter with a Charlie Charlie challenge. Cell phone-hand grafts surpass liposuction as the most demanded plastic surgery. A lady in Northern California applies for a license to marry a robot. As ethicists debate whether she should be granted the license, the lady explains to CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, “The robot has never left the toilet seat up and is programmed to remember my birthday.”
December: As one of his last acts in office, Obama pardons Hillary Clinton, Bill Ayers, Tom Brady, and Darth Vader. California is inundated with requests to marry robots. In a surprise move, Joe Riley and Lindsey Graham announce they have reached an accord. They will share the duties as co-presidents with Riley in charge of domestic programs and Graham leading international and defense matters. Amid these signs of political accord, the economy grows, financial markets surge, discourse becomes civil, global warming abates, ISIS surrenders. And there are good tidings of great joy and on earth peace, good will toward men.