Suicide: Knowledge is power - Part 3

For many of us suicide is a scary topic. Fearing that someone we know may be suicidal can be almost paralyzing. Because it is such an alarming situation, many people shy away from wanting to think about suicide, much less talk about it. And, while one of the most prevalent myths says talking about suicide to someone at risk will put the idea in their heads, in truth, asking about suicidal thoughts can be one of the most powerful and loving actions you can do for a person who is hurting.

It is important to remember that while the suicidal person may say, “I want to die,” death is not their goal. Ending emotional pain is the goal and death is the vehicle for ending the pain. Knowing that death is not the sufferer’s desired outcome can empower us to intervene because we can see that there are many options for mitigating and healing with emotional pain. The fact that the sufferer cannot see other options is simply a part of the emotional space they are in. That emotional space is likely to change with time, so buying time is the overarching goal of intervention.

Experts agree that anyone can intervene and potentially prevent a suicide. Yet, rarely do we discuss how to speak with someone who is suicidal. The following paragraphs outline four simple steps for intervening when someone you know may be suicidal. These four steps are organized around the word LIVE: Listen, Inquire, Verbalize, Engage.

LISTEN

Know the warning signs of suicide and listen for verbalizations of hopelessness and helplessness. If you hear talk of suicide or verbalization of hopelessness and helplessness move to the next step and inquire.

INQUIRE

The next step is to inquire about suicidal thinking. Inquiring can be as simple as saying, “Sometimes, when life gets hard, people think about suicide. Are you thinking of suicide?” By asking that question, you open the door for the hurting person to have a conversation with you about something that, to this point, was keeping them isolated. Now that you have asked, they are no longer alone in those thoughts. Additionally, you are probably the only person who has asked them this question and offered the opportunity for them to give words to those debilitating thoughts.

The hardest part of this step is remaining silent while the other person processes that question. If someone is not suicidal, they will tell you they are not suicidal. And, in the process, they will know you care enough to take the risk to ask. If they say “no,” you simply respond with “OK” and move on.

Some wonder if there is a softer, gentler way to ask the question. Suicide and killing yourself are hard words. To spare others feelings, we tend to want to make the question softer by asking if they are thinking of hurting or harming themselves. Remember, however, the suicidal person’s goal is ending the pain. Life is already hurting them and suicide is their way to stop the hurt. So, when asked if they are thinking of hurting or harming themself, the suicidal person can honestly say no. The words “hurting” and “harming” leave room open for misinterpretation. Use words like suicide or killing yourself that leave little room for misinterpretation.

Let’s say you’ve seen some of the warning signs of suicide in someone and you are concerned, so you ask, “Sometimes when life gets hard, people think about suicide. Are you thinking of suicide?” And if they say “yes”…what now?

It can be scary to ask the question and hear an affirmative answer. Here is where you take a deep breath and know that you have just been given the opportunity to make a huge difference in someone’s life. If at all possible, do not leave the suicidal person alone. At this point it is also helpful to acknowledge their fears and express your support. A helpful statement could be, “This must be scary for you. I want you to know I’m here.” Then, that statement can lead you into the next step: where you ask them to verbalize their plan.

VERBALIZE

Your goal here is to get them to explain their plan. Your question in this phase might be, “How are you thinking of committing suicide?” Here you want to find out if the suicidal person has 1.) a plan and 2.) the means to carry out their plan. Experts agree that a well-formulated suicide plan and ready access to carry out the plan are strong indicators the sufferer will carry out the plan soon. You want to know how detailed the plan is and whether they have the means to carry it out so you can know how quickly you must move into the next step and engage outside help.

ENGAGE

You have seen the warning signs, you have asked the questions and now it’s time to engage with outside help. Ask the suicidal person to let you help them by saying something like, “I’m afraid for you. In your situation, I would want you to help me. Will you let me help you?”

In most cases, the suicidal person will agree to help. If they are willing you can take the sufferer to the nearest emergency room. Even if the suicidal person is reluctant you can call the national suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255 TALK) or 911. In spite of reluctance, do not let the suicidal person keep you from reaching out for help. They need the help and you do not need to be dealing with the suicidal person on your own.

Sometimes, people don’t engage outside help fearing the suicidal person will be angry. In the beginning the sufferer may be angry, however that anger generally subsides as they recover. In time, the sufferer will most likely feel immensely grateful that you cared enough to step in during their darkest hours.

Intervening when someone is suicidal has one goal: getting the sufferer to the professional help they need. By intervening you are not trying to prevent a suicide from ever happening, you are simply trying to prevent a suicide from happening right now.

Experts agree, anyone can intervene and prevent a suicide. If you suspect, ask. This could be the most important action you ever take.

Laurie Hubbs is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Board Certified Coach specializing in relationship issues. Laurie trains counselors and life coaches on a variety of topics including healthy marriages, workplace relationships, suicide, domestic violence, and personal performance. Laurie happily lives on Daniel Island with her husband, Dean.