Dalton's Open Letter to President Obama
Dear Mr. President:
I read about your recent Asian trip where you got snubbed on the tarmac by the Chinese and then by the President of the Philippines. So I understand why the news media report that you are seeking one last major achievement to help cement your presidential legacy. I’m not saying that you haven’t accomplished some stuff already. Obamacare let all of us keep our doctors and save $2,500 a year on healthcare costs and your landmark Iranian Nuclear Deal was cool. We gave them insane amounts of money and they agreed to wait ten years until they nuke us.
That agreement with the Ayatollah gave me an idea. While I have not cleared this yet with my lovely wife, Grace, I believe that I could help you attain one more historic accord before the sand runs out of your presidential hourglass. Here’s the deal: I will agree to not produce any nuclear weapons for the same ten years for a mere fraction of the financial largesse you showered on Iran.
Similar to that deal, let’s first focus on the money. The amount your team initially admitted paying those dudes was $400 million. That number was later revised to $1.7 billion and some sources claim it may be more. For a paltry one million, I’ll agree to everything the Iranians did, plus some. That’s way less than the cost of a Hawaiian vacation for you and the fam. I want my moolah the same way the mullahs did, in gold and Swiss francs. No euros please; the European economy is worse than ours. Your folks also conveniently flew the first payment to Geneva for the Iranians to pick up. How about you have these same people bring my dough to a neutral site? May I suggest we meet at South of the Border? I love that place! So will your guys.
In return, here is what I will do. While the Iranians are keeping thousands of centrifuges, I will get rid of all the centrifuges in our home. I’ve done a preliminary survey and have identified two. One, obviously, is our blender. While I will miss Grace’s magnificent Holiday Cranberry Margaritas, I’m willing to forego that pleasure for the sake of this summit. The second centrifuge is in my nose hair trimmer. Grace may object to that condition. But since she says I don’t use it enough, I can go without. Next, the Iranians were to reduce their stockpile of plutonium. I’ve scoured the house and believe we are plutonium free. I did find paprika (and some other strange-sounding stuff such as cardamom and marjoram) in Grace’s spice rack. If you want these gone, I’ll make it happen. Maybe I could sell them to the Russians to hold for me until some later date.
The Iranians underground enrichment center, Fordo, will be converted to a “research center” where nuclear scientists and physicists can produce materials for use in medicine, agriculture, industry and science. We have a small crawl space below the house with nothing down there now except a dehumidifier (note to self: check that for a centrifuge). I’ll leave the little, outside door to this space unlocked. Any nuclear scientists or physicists who care to are welcome to use the crawlspace for innocuous research. We just ask no loud music (physicists are known to be hard rock freaks), nose hair trimmers, or paprika.
Finally, Iran agreed to redesign a facility at Arak that produced “Heavy Water.” Unless branch water, frequently splashed over bourbon, qualifies as “heavy,” I’m good to go. If that might be a violation of our agreement, I can drink my bourbon straight. Having recently scored a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle, I should sip it neat anyway.
So there you are, simple and straight forward. Here is the best part. I won’t cheat on the deal like we both know the Iranians will. I won’t fund any Islamic terrorists (we can say that, right?) either. Plus, I promise to continue to obey laws, pay my taxes, love my country, salute its flag, and not take a knee during the national anthem. I suggest you do the same. If you don’t, I want my blender back!