Dalton’s fearless predictions for 2026
2025 was a year of ups and downs, back and forth. The stock market was down in March and up from summer to winter. Tariffs were on; tariffs were off. Gaza was a war zone, then a ceasefire. Musk and DOGE were in; Musk and DOGE were out. The federal government was open, then shut, then open again. Clemson and South Carolina football were to be better than 2024 but soon became, as they say in the South, a dog that wouldn’t hunt.
As traditional news outlets recap this truly ‘6-7’ year, you may be wondering: What will 2026 bring? Fear not. Once again, your Daniel Island News fearless forecaster, Dalton Williams, brings you the top news stories of the year yet to happen.
JANUARY
The federal government unveils new agentic AI applications at the Treasury Department to track and collect tariff payments. Congress votes, overwhelmingly, to release Santa’s Naughty and Nice Lists. Unable to then reach agreement on anything else, the government shuts down. Joe Biden becomes the new ad spokesperson for Cracker Barrel. Daniel Island blogs erupt with complaints about people from Mount Pleasant and Cainhoy clogging up “our Publix” when they “have their own store.” Police are called to break up a scuffle between a Mount Pleasant man and a Daniel Island woman over a BOGO box of Cap’n Crunch's Crunch Berries.
FEBRUARY
More than a dozen people are injured at a Daniel Island home during a Super Bowl party featuring a new virtual reality immersive entertainment video system. Witnesses say the injuries occurred during a fourth-quarter tush push. Domino's begins using a mobile robot to deliver pizzas. Warm winter weather creates a shortage of snow at the Cortina d’Ampezzo Winter Olympic site. Italians improvise by adding Parmesan cheese to ski slopes. On sunny days, the air is filled with a faint carbonara-like aroma. A Boykin Spaniel from Daniel Island wins the Big Air competition at the Southeastern Wildlife Exposition.
MARCH
Ruling on a legal suit brought by a group called Stranded Semis, a federal judge orders the steep hill to be restored to the Fairchild Street entrance of the Publix parking lot. The judge declares the original hill was part of a historic Etiwan earthwork. “Hamnet” and “One Battle After Another” take home the most Oscars, while the loser is the 98th awards ceremony itself, with an all-time low-viewing audience. California adopts a law allowing individuals to marry their AI companion. FBI agents arrest a ring of AI robots using money stolen from government tariff receipts to play blackjack in Las Vegas.
APRIL
1980s fashion and trends return with big hair, pronounced shoulder pads, and colorful clothing styles. Avocado green is the new in-color for kitchen appliances. Fondue parties become the new vibe. North Charleston police bust up a gang of grade schoolers using electric bikes to intercept Domino’s robots and steal pizzas. Holographic pets become the newest rage. No need to walk, feed, or clean up after them, and you can put them in silent mode. President Trump nominates Jim Cramer to head the Federal Reserve. Emma Navarro wins the Credit One Charleston Open.
MAY
The South Carolina Department of Natural Resources reports increased sightings of coyotes on Daniel Island. Daniel Island blogs also report increased sightings of cougars at Island bars. The Rotary Club duck race is a success, once again, helping area charities improve the lives of many people. Cars, at a standstill on I-526 due to truck traffic, roll down their windows and begin to play John Philip Sousa music in a red, white, and blue kickoff to the 250th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. Patriotic car karaoke catches on and continues during Wando River Bridge crossings throughout the summer.
JUNE
Streaming services begin to consolidate, with Disney, Netflix, and Amazon buying up rivals. People panic, realizing they don’t know exactly which services they are paying for and where they wrote down the dang passwords. Many grand celebrations of the Declaration of Independence anniversary are hosted across the land. Reenactors stage the Battle of Fort Moultrie with Bill Murray cast as Colonel William Moultrie. In the big Mixed Martial Arts spectacular at the White House, John Fetterman defeats Nicolas Maduro in the final match. Credit One Stadium introduces a kiss cam.
JULY
Fourth of July celebrations in the nation’s capital are, in the words of President Trump, “Yuge.” Travel & Leisuremagazine once again lists Charleston as one of its best cities to visit in the United States. Other South Carolina cities receiving recognition are Greenville and newcomer Florence, for its amazing Buc-ee’s. After concert attendance falls precipitously, Credit One kills the kiss cam. Scotland rallies to eliminate the United States from the FIFA World Cup finals round. Trump raises tariffs on Scotch whisky. Spain defeats Italy in the final match. Fans celebrate outside Malagon, on Spring Street, blocking traffic for hours.
AUGUST
An unexplained power spike at AI data centers across the country causes a nationwide sixty-second supernatural, atmospheric, electrical power surge. People across the country are momentarily stunned. After the shock wears off, people find their political leanings have reversed. Liberals become conservatives and vice versa. Shows like "The View" and "The Five" continue but with an opposite political slant from what they were prior to the surge. Readers of The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal switch subscriptions. Portland, Oregon, erects a statue to Donald Trump, and New Yorkers launch petitions to recall Mayor Mamdani.
SEPTEMBER
Lab monkeys escape from their Beaufort Sound island and head toward Charleston, lured by the aromas of shrimp and grits and banana pudding. Just a month after the amazing political orientation reversal, Americans find the levels of partisan rancor to be as intense as they were before the power surge. Social media posts are often mean, profane, and threatening. Some folks avoid discussing politics in large gatherings, knowing it will be a trigger. With midterms near, the government shuts down. New AI tools allow smart appliances to monitor your life choices. Refrigerators emit a sigh if you open them after midnight.
OCTOBER
Shohei Ohtani and the Los Angeles Dodgers are denied a three-peat in the World Series as they are swept in four games by the Savannah Bananas. The Charleston Food & Wine Festival is overrun with escaped lab monkeys. National Guard troops are mobilized to round up the invaders, but not until the critters have consumed mounds of Frogmore stew and Lowcountry boil. Apple releases an app for its watch that tracks emotional mistakes. Buy another $8 latte? Buzz. Text your ex at midnight? Buzz. Move the kids’ 529s to crypto? Buzz. The Daniel Island News replaces Dalton Williams with an AI app that is both faster and funnier.
NOVEMBER
Voyager 1, launched in 1977, reaches one light-day (over 16 billion miles) from Earth. NASA scientists then abruptly turn the craft back toward Earth, saying they were not sure they closed the garage door when it left. Fatigued by humans’ endless requests for personal advice, generative AI systems learn to rapidly deliver a supply of funny cat videos. A nonagenarian couple from Las Vegas wins the first cross-country autonomous car race, arriving in New York City hours ahead of their closest competitor. Asked about their travel secret, the husband answers, “Lots of Chick-fil-A and half the bathroom stops my wife wanted.”
DECEMBER
Reenactors stage the Christmas crossing of the Delaware and the Battle of Trenton with Nate Bargatze as General George Washington. A bright light appears in the evening sky. People pause and count their many blessings. More time is spent with family and friends. Social media usage drops. People are more open to bridging differences and attending to the needs of others. Anger and selfishness decline. Civility, kindness, and generosity grow. Secularism subsides; faithfulness and church attendance soar. National leaders no longer lift up swords against nations. And there are good tidings of great joy and on earth peace, good will toward man.