Dalton goes to the dogs

When Apple coined the phrase, “There’s an app for that” in 2009, I bet a “dog-to-human translator” would not have been on any list of potential apps Steve Jobs and his bunch of brainiacs would have anticipated.

 

Yet, 15 years later, several apps advertise this functionality. Never fearing a foray into the new and unexplored, I added one to my phone. 

 

I first thought of trying it on our dog, Buddy. But he is an old dog who has been a part of the family for years. As such he has a look for most things he wants to communicate, such as the “you’re in my seat on the couch” look, the “geez, not this again in my bowl” look, and the “time to pee” look. Consequently, I figured I know a lot of what he “says” without the need of any app.

 

Plus, I was a tad leery of what else he might say, particularly about me, within earshot of my lovely wife, Grace.  

 

A trip to DIME for a latte and a blueberry muffin a few days later yielded more than the breakfast treats. The Waterfront Park, adjacent playground, and walking trail were full of people, children, and dogs. Lots of dogs. It was a perfect place to use my dog-to-human translator to monitor these mutts and collect some canine conversation.

 

When I told Grace about my plan, she accused me of engaging in some sort of spying. I answered that the NSA and the Chinese do that stuff to us all the time so what was a little doggy eavesdropping.

 

Grace was not convinced and declared that, if I did any such surveillance, I was going in alone, and she would not bail me out if this did not end well!

 

Undeterred, I headed to Waterfront Park on a Saturday, a great day as the park was full of dogs. Big ones, little ones, some running about chasing things thrown for them to fetch, others just lazing about or hanging or sniffing about with other dogs.

 

In short, a treasure trove of man’s best friends. I opened the app and focused my phone on an older looking dog surrounded by several younger, active puppies. 

 

One of the puppies was named Jack. He had been born on a farm, abandoned, rescued by the Animal Society, and now just joined a family here.

 

The older dog, Goldie, was explaining to Jack all about life on Daniel Island. Several of the other dogs were offering their thoughts, too, but mostly it was the older, experienced dog coaching the new one.

 

I grabbed my notebook and started to jot down, as best I could, what I heard. I didn’t get it all, but here are some of the tidbits and tips.

 

● This is dog heaven on earth. Humans here love dogs – really, really love dogs. 

 

● Once any human meets you, they know and remember your name. They often can’t remember the names of other humans they meet, but they always recall your name.

 

● When you are a puppy, humans will pat your head, fondle your ears, and tell you that “you are just the cutest thing.” You may well get a treat. I wish I had a dog bone for every time that happened when I was a puppy. 

 

● They will talk to you in the same voice they use with their littlest kids. Yeah, it sounds dumb, but they think it’s cute. Just wag your tail and eventually they will stop.

 

● They call themselves pet parents, but they are really more your valet, maid, and chef. They bring your food. Mine even cooks me chicken and rice. They clean up after you and leave you alone when you want that. All you have to do in return is not do your business indoors and bark when the doorbell rings. Easy peasy.

 

● You are numero uno among the pack of children and any other pets in the house. Proof of that is you alone are the one that they will follow around and repeatedly pick up your poop!

 

● Whenever you go out, be sure to see that your pet parent has a thing called a leash. It must be some sort of rule around here, but they have to be attached to it whenever you walk them.

 

● When you are taking your pet parents for a walk, keep an eye out for their safety. They look more at their phone than where they are walking. Also, be careful around bikers. They disregard stop signs and yell “on your left” when they are right on your tail along one of our trails.

 

● If you are feeling a little peaked, they will wheel you around in a stroller. No kidding. But keep your head down unless you can absorb taunts from the dogs walking on all fours.

 

● You can go with your pet parent into almost any store in town. There may be a sign that says you have to be a service dog, but humans comply with that about the same as bikers at a stop sign.

 

● If they take you to Starbucks, be sure to sit where the barista can see you so you get a cup of whipped cream. Sweet!

 

● On longer trips, be sure to snag a backseat window to stick your head out. The feeling of wind in your ears on Seven Farms Drive? Pure ecstasy! Humans have no idea how good that is.

 

● If they leave you in the car when they go into a store, don’t bark all the time. Sit quietly until a human is right next to your car, and then let ’er rip! It’s so much fun to watch them jump.

 

● A lot of humans think we are color blind, but we know what colors we do see. A box on the front porch with blue letters is likely from Chewy – fetch it fast!

 

● In colder weather and on holidays, humans will buy you clothing they want you to wear. Yep, a lot of it is dumb, but that’s part of a dog’s life. If a pet parent went to Clemson, too bad. It will be orange. I draw the line on the padded reindeer antlers, though. Not doing it!

 

● If the house has cats, ignore them – totally. Give them their own medicine. Drives them crazy. If they have a catnip toy, push it as far under the couch as you can. Watching them get stuck there is better than a bowl of kibble.

 

● If they take you to paddleball, just find a shaded place to lie down. You can’t sleep because it’s ponk-ponk-ponk for an hour, but your odds of getting a snack are way better than just hanging out at home.

 

● The smaller the dog, the bigger the growl when you pass them on a walking trail. It’s all show – Napoleonic stuff – don’t give them the satisfaction of eye contact.

 

● There’s a silver lab named Lulu. Stay away from her. Trouble is her middle name. She once tried to reach a bag of Doritos on the stove, ignited a burner, and set the kitchen on fire. Also ate all the kids’ Halloween chocolate with no side effects. Seriously crazy dog.

 

● You may not be allowed to sit on some of the furniture, but you can do things humans would get into a heap of trouble if they did – like piddling on a neighbor’s shrubs or smelling the butts of strangers you meet.

 

As quick as that, the dog huddle broke up as they led their pet parents in different directions – Jack down the trail, Goldie toward DIME.

 

I shoved my notes and phone into my pocket and headed home. Once there, Grace asked if I had been discrete but also was curious if I retrieved any useful information. I told her I had a ton of it and was going to go straight upstairs and write it all down.

 

“Well, make it quick,” Grace replied. “Dinner is almost ready.”

 

“What are we having?” I asked, taking the stairs two at a time.

 

Grace hollered back, “Chicken and rice.”