Humorist Dalton Williams Predicts Top News Stories of 2017!
Editor’s Note: Continuing an annual ritual, regular Daniel Island News viewpoint contributor Dalton Williams reveals not the top news of the year now ending – too easy – but the top stories of the year to come. Lest you think this is fluff, a year ago Dalton correctly predicted the Cubs to win the World Series. So, pay attention…
January
University of California-Berkeley students stage a peaceful post-election mope-in demanding cancellation of semester-end exams. School officials acquiesce but when they announce all students will receive a grade of C, mayhem ensues. Damage to school buildings and property is estimated to be in the millions. In his inaugural address President Trump pledges “I will do huge, really great things and deals you’re going to love, I mean it, for all Americans regardless of whether they voted for me or not, and Lord knows some people may not have voted for me, but the Lord and I are close, very close. He’s a big fan of mine.”
February
The 87th Academy Awards ceremony is upstaged as WikiLeaks publishes the list of winners the day before the event. Hollywood blames Russian hackers. The Clinton Foundation denounces the outcome and blames Russian hackers along with fake news, the Electoral College, and James Comey for the 2016 election result. Russia denies involvement although President Putin tweets, “Loved Ryan Gosling in La La Land. Been a big fan since The Notebook.” Alec Baldwin declines Trump’s offer to be special envoy to Antarctica. Washington, D. C. police report that former FBI director Comey has mysteriously disappeared.
March
The Daniel Island Company announces the addition of 450 acres of new buildable sites on Daniel Island after President Trump successfully drains the swamps. The FBI announces the arrest of two Russians spies it believes to be involved in the Academy Awards hacking. The Bureau identifies the two only by the names of Boris and Natasha. The Clinton Foundation issues a statement blaming Boris and Natasha for the 2016 election result. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt settle their divorce with Angelina getting the six kids and Brad getting the shaft.
April
In the main event at WWE WrestleMania 33, Trump Cabinet Secretaries Mattis and Kelly easily defeat John Cena and The Rock. The Pulitzer Prize Board recognizes a new category of award winner, Fake News. The 2017 award is shared by The New York Times for its coverage of Donald Trump and the Weekly World News for their coverage of Bat Boy. Baseball season opens with the Cubs and Indians early favorites to return to the World Series. Indians manager Terry Francona admits that he made a mistake using ace reliever Andrew Miller too frequently in the 2016 Series. The Clinton Foundation blames Terry Francona for the 2016 election result.
May
Greystar announces construction will commence soon to build 6,000 apartment units on the newly reclaimed Daniel Island land. NASA scientists report that the OSIRIS-REx spacecraft, on a mission to visit the asteroid Bennu, has been hijacked by the Chinese. Former President Obama calls upon the Chinese to “knock it off,” while President Trump deploys warship to the South China Sea. Asked to clarify what the military’s mission is, Defense Secretary Mattis replies, “To kick butt and take names!” Driverless cars finish in the top three places at the Indianapolis 500. China requests diplomatic talks or a water bottle challenge to reduce tensions.
June
In keeping with a tradition of the host country selecting a sport to be added to the Olympic Games, Japan announces that the 2020 Games in Tokyo will include competition in Pokemon Go. Secretary of State Tillerson wins the water bottle challenge and brokers a deal with the Chinese under which the United States gives them an unspecified number of Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones and Exxon-Mobile gas cards for release of the OSIRIS-REx spacecraft. The Rotary Charity Duck Race is a success, once again, raising funds for a variety of charitable causes. Rotary Club members report a quandary, however, as the first place duck was registered to a James Comey.
July
The Washington press corps is shocked by the announcement that Senator Bernie Sanders is accepting the Ambassadorship to Sierra Leone. “Bernie Sanders is a good guy and he’ll do great deals for the people of Sierra Leone, wherever that is, and the people there are going to love him, they really will, I guarantee it,” declares President Trump. “When the President offered me the top job in a city called Freetown,” Sanders beams, “I jumped at it.” Chinese Navy officials report they are investigating the cause of a fire aboard a destroyer that sinks in the Formosa Strait.
August
Colin Kaepernick is injured when the Lamborghini Gallardo he is driving hits a concrete highway barrier at high speed. Doctors report the NFL quarterback fractures both patellae and that he will be in full leg casts, which will prevent him from bending his knees, for months. Crowds gather on August 21st across South Carolina to view the first total solar eclipse in the continental United States in 38 years. While many marvel at the celestial show, others are just glad for two minutes and forty seconds of respite from the summer sun. The Dow Jones average tops 21,000.
September
A Washington, D.C. CSI team, excavating in James Comey’s backyard for clues to his disappearance, discover a metal box containing a thumb drive with all 30,000 of Hillary Clinton’s missing emails. In the football season opening game for both teams, tiny Electoral College upsets Michigan at the Big House in Ann Arbor. Continuing the Brexit trend, Catalonia votes to separate from Spain. President Trump tweets, “We can live without Catalonia. We still have 49 states and they didn’t vote for me anyway.” Construction on the border wall begins. “This project will cost a lot and take years to complete, but it is necessary to stop the flow of undesirables moving north,” declares Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
October
Charleston Magazine announces the area’s Best New Restaurant for 2017 is Daniel Island’s Refuel. Washington, D. C. police find Rick Perry wandering aimlessly around the Mall. Perry tells them that he has forgotten the name of the Federal Department he leads. After TMZ releases photos of Bill Clinton escorting Angelina Jolie to an exclusive party in Hollywood, the Clinton Foundation blames Jolie for the 2016 election result. Delayed for over an hour by a wreck on I-526, Charleston Mayor Tecklenberg arrives late to a DINA meeting focused on improving traffic flow in the area.
November
Ambassador Bernie Sanders leads a protest to break up the banks in Sierra Leone. Electoral College remains undefeated with huge wins over Stanford, Wisconsin, and Texas. Obamacare is repealed. Realtors report a surge in apartment rentals as 26-year-olds move out of their parents’ homes. In response, developers announce plans to build more apartments on Daniel Island. To the surprise of almost everyone, Cuban President Raul Castro reveals the reestablishment of capitalism and democratic elections. Asked to explain the dramatic shift in policy, he answers, “We were just waiting for the fool to die.”
December
The College Football Playoff selection committee announces the four teams that will compete for the National Championship Trophy. Clemson, Alabama, and Ohio State join undefeated and top ranked Electoral College. The Sierra Leone economy craters. Greece offers to send financial aid. WikiLeaks discloses Santa’s naughty and nice lists. To the surprise of many law enforcement officials who feared he was dead, James Comey is discovered, with Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins, on a beach in Zihuatanejo, Mexico. Comey admits he escaped Washington, D.C. at night through a hole that he dug for himself in the wall of the FBI building. And there are good tidings of great joy and on earth peace, good will toward men.