Where's my tribe? Friendship at midlife and beyond

Editor’s Note: This week we are excited to debut “Chapter Two,” a new column dedicated to topics of interest for seniors. Special thanks to Comfort Keepers for serving as the sponsor of this series. We are delighted to have Daniel Island resident Maureen McNichols, a licensed professional counselor, as our first guest columnist! Read below as she provides important insights on making and maintaining friendships later in life.

I previously never gave much thought to friendship because I had many friends whom I had known for many years, while new ones just seemed to appear in my life. In school, friends were your classmates (usually the ones that sat near you). Then you developed work friends, as well as mom friends or gym friends. Friends were usually associated with jobs, hobbies, professional activities, and your children’s activities.

However, were these really friendships or were you just all thrown together? With passing years life changed. You retired…and moved away from those lifelong relationships. It’s the start of what you may call your “Encore Act.” Usually, the kids have left the house and you may have moved to a new city or state. That’s when the realization hits that you need to make new friends. Friends aren’t just showing up in your life the way they used to when you were working or involved in your kids’ activities. Add to the mix the fact that we tend to change our friends every seven years and the dynamic changes even more.

We have classes and workshops on parenting - how to quit smoking or lose weight - but nothing on how to develop friendships. The lack of friendship is potentially harmful because research shows that the effects of low social interaction can be compared to damage caused by smoking 15 cigarettes a day or being an alcoholic!

Friendship is important particularly at this later stage of life (as we age) for our physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. Fortunately, friendship-acquiring skills can be learned. My husband and I moved to Daniel Island after my husband retired, but I had always been curious about relationships in my personal and professional life as a couples’ counselor.

We previously lived in an upscale townhouse development near Chicago. I used to frequently complain “there is no sense of community here, no one even says hi.” I was determined that we would move to a location where social interaction is encouraged, with a strong sense of community. In preparation for the move, I happened to read a book entitled “Friendships Don’t Just Happen” by Shasta Nelson, which helped me understand the skills needed to build friendships. I was so excited after reading the book, I told my husband he had to read it, too. What we both learned from Nelson impacted our decision on where to live in the Charleston area, how we made friends and what developed from using the tips. We’ve become “friendship evangelicals.”

After moving to Charleston, my husband co-founded a MeetUp group for men over 50 called INDY (“I’m Not Dead Yet”) to foster friendships while I started workshops to help women understand how to make new friends in their next stage of life and how to get past the inner critics that held them back. No more lonely encore actors! The new mantra was “friendship is our priority.”

These are the top five things I learned about friendship.

1. Friendships don’t just happen.

Shasta Nelson states that we must be intentional in finding and keeping friends. That means we should schedule and allocate time to it. If we say we want friends, we have to work at it. Initially, my husband and I didn’t decline any social invitation because we didn’t know who we would potentially meet, preferring to be open and curious. We initiated conversations with many people wherever we went. And yes, it felt awkward and uncomfortable at first, but almost universally strangers responded warmly and engaged with us. One of our close friends resulted from a random conversation while waiting in a DMV line.

Try talking to people you meet during your regular day. On your walk smile, say hi and make a complimentary comment to them (cute dog…nice top…beautiful flowers…your child is adorable, how old is she/he?). Don’t disqualify anyone because you think they’re not “right” for you. Think about some of your current or prior friends who are so different from you. Maybe they were originally someone who initially you couldn’t have imagined being friends with and now you are! In friendships, it doesn’t matter what parts of your life are similar to those of our friends, but rather the quantity of perceived similarities. So, it doesn’t really matter if your religion, age, politics, marital status or economic situation are different. In fact, these can even be a more interesting base for friendship.

2. Understand Where You Are in Types/Levels of Friendship. In her book, Nelson came up with five categories (circles) of friendship that help to understand what types of friends you currently have and what types of friends you may need to add, based on the level of intimacy and frequency/consistency. They are:

Contact Friends - These are people we are superficially friendly with and may smile at when we see them, but we don’t have contact with them outside of the shared activity. At the church, children’s activity, or club these may be the two or three we tend to recognize.

Common Friends - These are the folks we spend time with while in the same club, or church choir. This group is different in that we initiate time together and seek each other on purpose. We may see them regularly at our yoga class and then grab a cup of coffee together.

Confirmed Friends - These are people with whom we have a prior common history that still bonds us together, but due to circumstances (commonly moving to another city) our connection is not regular anymore. We used to live nearby, spoke to and saw each other often, but now only see/talk with infrequently. At one time, they were in your Committed Friends group. These friends are the ones you can pick up the phone and call anytime. These are the people you would ask and invite over to celebrate your birthday.

Community Friends - These are the individuals we regularly spend time with and feel comfortable inviting to dinner or a concert on short notice. We check out our weekend plans with each other and know more about their lives and extended families. These are the people you would ask and invite over to celebrate your birthday.

Committed Friends - These are the friends with whom we intimately and consistently share our lives. These are our “best” friends. These are the friends for whom you would sacrifice yourself and on whom you could always depend.

We need people in all the circles. For people that love socializing having many contact friends is probably important. For more introverted people having one or two closer friends is important. Nelson mentions that all friendships start on the left side of the continuum and gradually move over to the right by developing that friendship.

Try this interesting exercise. Write down the names of your current friends along the continuum and then determine where they would fit based on relationship you currently have. Take a minute and look at your results. Are there circles in which you would like more friends? What surprised you as you wrote the names of your friends? Is any circle harder for you to develop? Are you spending too much time and energy on community and contact friends when what you really want is closer friends?

Now that you know where you are in terms of your current friendships it’s important to understand how to move friends to relationships that are deeper and more connected (moving friends from left to right “circles”). In a future edition of “Chapter Two,” we will talk about how to do that.

Not every new friend is going to turn into a BFF, and we need friends in all different circles. Maybe it’s gym, a lecture, walking friends or someone to call for computer help. Take a minute and think about your friendships.

Please write me and let me know of any ideas you have about how people can connect to others and develop possible friendships on Daniel Island and we can offer them in an upcoming article. I can be reached at McNicholsMaureen@Gmail.com

Maureen McNichols Ed.S LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor with over 20 years experience in a variety of educational and clinical settings. She specializes in relationship issues, depression and anxiety. Ms. McNichols is passionate about helping women live their most fulfilling, creative life. She also works with couples in her Daniel Island and Mount Pleasant locations. Please contact her at mcnicholsmaureen@gmail.com with your friendship stories or questions.