How good are you at apologizing?

Perhaps Elton John was right when he scripted: “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.” 

 

Apologizing isn’t easy and, frankly, it’s a skill that I haven’t mastered. 

 

Family therapist Carolyn Cole, as quoted by author Jen Kim, says an apology simply means that “you value the relationship more than your ego.” Point taken. Psychologist Guy Winch adds simply: the primary goal is to ease another person’s emotional burden. 

 

Psychologists agree on the key ingredients that comprise a meaningful apology. But the verdict is still out on if, or when, we should ask for forgiveness. More on that in a moment – but first, a few do’s and don’ts.  

 

THE DO’S:

 

When possible, try to use the word “I” and avoid the word “you,” and be specific – that is, mention the specific action that you regret. Another important point: explain, don’t justify. 

 

Clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior explains: “‘I’m sorry I said that; I was angry, and I didn’t handle it well. I let my emotions get the best of me, and that is why I lashed out’ is an infinitely more helpful opening to a true, vulnerable conversation than ‘I’m sorry I said that. You make me so mad sometimes that I just can’t help myself.’”

 

Psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein cites Robert Gordon’s TED Talk (“The Power of the Apology”), noting there are three key elements in any apology: acknowledge, empathize, and act to prevent a recurrence (“The best apology is changed behavior”). 

 

Empathy is key, and in his talk Gordon shares an example: “Lisa, I am so sorry I said that to you. I don’t like myself for becoming that reactive, and I know from when my brother was harsh and judgmental with me just how much that can hurt.”

 

A FEW DON’TS: 

 

Psychologists urge us to avoid the word “but,” as in: “I’m sorry, but you got me so angry.” That’s not an apology. And don’t blame – it invalidates the apology – “I’m sorry I said X, but if you hadn’t done Y, then I would have never been so upset” may be true, according to Bonior, who says doing so “. . . is also prone to escalating the

conflict and making it sound like you’re not very sorry at all.”

 

One more don’t: be careful with the word “feel,” says psychologist Eileen Kennedy-Moore, as it “implies that the other person’s feelings are the problem rather than the apologizer’s actions.”

 

FORGIVENESS, SHOULD WE ASK?

 

Yes, says Kim: “When you ask for forgiveness, you give the other person a chance to react and respond. Give them time. Even if they never come around, this is an important gesture that puts the ball back in their court.” Kim quotes mental health and relationship expert Keba Richmond-Green: “It gives them the opportunity to either take it or leave it.” 

 

Not right away, says Steven Stosny, founder of CompassionPower: “An apology must not. . . seek immediate forgiveness. . . . Asking for forgiveness before hurt feelings have healed puts an unfair burden on the hurt party. . .”

 

FINAL TIPS 

 

One, timing is important, do it as soon as possible.

 

Two, low-quality apologies can hurt more than help.

 

Three, make it dose-effective, that is, in keeping with the misstep itself. 

 

Above all, psychologists urge us to act – that is, to describe what we plan to do to prevent the problem from happening again.