How good are you at small talk?

Given the choice, I prefer large talk.  

 

My mother was always adept at it. Less than 45 seconds in, a stranger would be revealing their life story – I’m not quite sure how she did it, but it certainly was impressive. 

 

In many circles, large talk is viewed in high regard, for it offers a window to something often hidden – a person’s inner thoughts and feelings. Sadly, small talk doesn’t enjoy the same reputation. The common critiques? It’s superficial, uncomfortable, awkward, often viewed as a “necessary evil.” 

 

Perhaps. But I’m aligning with Christina Park, who in a piece for Forbes argued: “Small talk serves an important purpose … it helps build the foundation for authentic conversations and deeper relationships down the road.” Adds Park: “Think of small talk as the light appetizer before the main course, and approach it with renewed purpose.” 

 

Ase Anderson would agree. Writing for thebritishschoolofexcellence.com, she shared: “Talking about the weather or the latest Netflix drama may seem like a waste of time but these small interactions can be the building blocks for deeper connections. Learning to embrace, and even enjoy, small talk can do wonders for your personal and professional life.” 

 

How to improve? 

 

One: Maintain the proper perspective. A golden rule is that you don’t have to be brilliant – just nice.” That’s a wonderful reminder, shared by Jennie Tung and Lisa Milbrand, who were quoting Bernardo Carducci, former director of the Shyness Research Institute.

 

Two: Arm yourself with questions. Everyone knows the standard topics: family, hobbies, interests, culture and personal passions. To that list I’ll add two of my favorite open-ended questions:  1. “Where else have you lived?” (it’ll yield a far broader answer than the standard: “Where are you from?”); and 2. “What’s going on in your world?”

 

Three: Try something crazy. From Nikki Ciletti: “I try to do something I call the Puppy Effect. Everyone loves puppies. Basically the idea is to act like a puppy – you act happy and excited to see someone.” 

 

Four: Compliments are always in season. Who doesn’t enjoy them? Great hair, stunning shoes, where did you get that shirt/blouse? 

 

Five: Avoid the red. Quoting Dr. Mark Goulston, author of “Just Listen,” Sally Hertzberg explains: “Think of conversation as a traffic signal. In the first 20 seconds, you have a green light … but if you go beyond 20 seconds, you’ve got a yellow light. Caution!” The bottom line: when the light turns red, it’s probably time to kick it back.  

 

Can you improve? 

 

Anderson keeps us calm, and gives us hope: “Don’t worry if small talk doesn’t come naturally to you … with the right mindset, anyone can learn to be a good conversationalist. … People with a growth mindset believe that they can improve with practice whereas those with a fixed mindset think that a person’s traits and abilities are determined at birth.”