How good are you at compromising?

In your most important relationships, do you have an equal voice?

 

I always thought that compromise was a good thing. But after delving into the involuted world of relationships, I’m beginning to view the concept differently.

 

Don’t get me wrong. I still value the ability, but I’m beginning to realize, as Michele Mendoza at  michelemendoza.com points out, “While compromise may sometimes be necessary in relationships, it is important to recognize that it is not always the best solution.”

 

What is?

 

Mendoza favors collaboration. “The key difference between compromise and collaboration,” she says, “is that compromise involves each person giving up something to reach a mutually acceptable solution, while collaboration involves finding a solution that meets both people’s needs and desires.”

 

Mark White at psychologytoday.com weighs in: “Little compromises are natural and unavoidable, but be careful not to give up too much of what is important to you for the sake of a relationship that should help to affirm who you already are.”

 

How much compromise is healthy?

 

That’s the question posed by Emily Blatchford at huffpost.com, who speaks about fairness and equity. “Fairness is closely linked to intimacy,” she said, “How? Because in a compromised situation you are sending a partner a message of how much you are thinking of them in terms of putting their needs before yours.”

 

Robert Taibbi at psychologytoday.com advocates for each party having an equal voice. Accordingly, he urges us to avoid: 1. Going along; 2. Giving in and expecting a payoff; and 3. Pre-compromising.

 

Pre-compromising? It’s when both parties fail to share their No. 1 preference, for fear it’ll be promptly rejected, and instead share No. 2 and No. 3. The sad part, Taibbi notes, is that in so doing, neither party really knows what the other truly wants or needs.

 

A few voices from the field:

 

Teal Swan at tealswan.com on compatibility: “Compatibility is when two things (even if they are different) are able to occur or exist together in alignment without problems and without conflict.”

 

Margaret Paul at yourtango.com on resolution: “Resolution occurs when you develop a joint resolution, and neither of you feels you are compromising yourself or your integrity.”

 

Liane Davey at lianedavey.com on optimization: “I think it’s okay to compromise if that compromise can honestly be described as optimizing the situation.” Too often, she argues, we think, “I’m just going to sub-optimize the whole situation because I don’t have the time or the energy or the skills to fight for things that are worth fighting for.”

 

We return to Taibbi, who urges us not to simply give in. “Moving through relationships and life is a matter of compromise but not giving in. The skills are knowing what you want, advocating for what’s important, and then being willing to make concessions so the other person feels heard and respected.”

 

Our final words are a wonderful reminder from the desk of Terrie Lewine at getbacktolife.org who shares, “Everyone’s needs matter equally.”

 

If only.