Dalton Williams’ Fearless Predictions for 2024
Tue, 01/02/2024 - 1:44pm
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By:
Dalton Williams
The best we can say for 2023 is that it’s over. Interest rates, sea levels, and tempers rose. Interstate 526 became even more crowded and drivers less courteous. War continued in Ukraine and erupted in the Middle East. China, Iran, and Russia flexed muscles. Both major political parties seem bent on nominating a presidential candidate who a majority of people don’t want in office. And, Clemson and Carolina had less-than-expected football seasons. Oh, the humanity! No wonder Amazon reported an increase in the sales of handbaskets.
With that cheery summary of the year gone by, what can we expect in 2024? More kaka or new karma? As he does each January, Dalton Williams looks into his crystal ball to bring you the news before it happens.
January
Representatives of the China Wildlife Conservation Association request the National Zoo in Washington to allow the return of the three giant pandas that left the Zoo for China in late 2023. Chinese officials report the pandas no longer like their traditional diet of bamboo shoots and, while in Washington, acquired an appetite for
Chesapeake Crab Cakes smothered in Mumbo sauce.
Mayor-elect Cogswell is late for his inauguration when his car stalls in downtown floodwater.
Following the school’s first four-loss ACC season since 2010, Clemson replaces head coach Dabo Swinney with Tyler from Spartanburg.
February
The Buffalo Bills win their first Super Bowl championship when Damar Hamlin intercepts a pass in the end zone as time expires.
The Pentagon reports that, after months of extensive analysis and forensics, the cause of the 2023 military jet crash in Williamsburg County, South Carolina, was indeed a mishap.
Looking to improve the president’s image, the White House engages Meta to produce a look-alike robot to fill in for the president at events that involve a lot of speaking or walking. The robot is nicknamed AI Joe.
Beijing celebrates Chinese New Year by taking over Taiwan.
March
Protesters, clad in bubble-gum pink outfits, storm the stage of the Dolby Theatere when the Best Picture Oscar is awarded to Oppenheimer rather than Barbie.
A judge rules in a case between the District of Columbia and Georgia over who can lock Trump up if he is sentenced to jail time. The ruling allows D. C. to have primary custody of the former president but allows Georgia visitation rights and custody on alternating weekends.
In addition to their traditional 31 offerings, Baskin-Robbins offers Southern ice creams such as fried green tomato, cornbread, pimento cheese, shrimp and grits, and Hoppin’ John.
April
Credit One Stadium announces a Taylor Swift concert for August. Tickets sell out in under a minute and resale sites ask five figures for top seats.
Military jets scramble to intercept another batch of Chinese spy balloons headed toward the U. S. after they are detected and reported by the University of Michigan football coaching staff.
Forensic auditors, unwinding the finances of Sam Bankman-Fried’s FTX, discover a Bahamian storage locker filled full of Bed Bath & Beyond 20% off coupons.
The University of South Carolina women’s basketball team wins the NCAA national championship with a win over Iowa.
May
A boutique hotel opens, between the two Daniel Island exits off I-526, marketing itself as a place to stay for drivers who are not sure if the truck traffic on the road will allow them to get between Mount Pleasant and West Ashely in one day.
The 18th annual Rotary Charity Duck Race raises over $100,000 for local charities and service projects.
Tom Brady signs to play quarterback for the Carolina Panthers.
Elon Musk launches a cloud computing company to compete with Amazon and Google and names it ByteMe.
A record price for a home sale is set. The buyer is a New Jersey politician who pays for the property with gold bars.
June
Lawsuits and rhetoric escalate between environmentalists and the developers of Point Hope over protection of habitat for northern long-eared bats and red-cockaded woodpeckers.
Representatives of the Chinese government offer a panda preserve if they can harvest bats for their Wuhan Virology Lab.
Doc Antle, from Myrtle Beach, offers to set up a nature preserve he calls Tiger Town.
Harvard adds a degree in Emoji to its Romance Languages Department offerings.
Charleston’s first insect-inspired cuisine restaurant, The Cricket Thicket, opens.
July
The Republican Convention nominates Donald Trump as their standard bearer.
Climate scientists attribute the unexpected reduction in CO2 levels to reduced demand for electricity brought about by the significant slump in EV car sales.
The Olympics open in Paris with France winning a gold medal in the opening event, cheek kissing. An American team, from California, wins gold in ram raiding.
Soil samples at Point Hope reveal high concentrations of lithium. China offers $500 billion to buy Cainhoy and Daniel Island.
Carnival adds Daniel Island to its cruise stop schedule.
August
Joe Biden is nominated to run for president at the Democratic Convention.
In an interview with The Daniel Island News before her concert on the island, Taylor Swift makes a casual remark about what she would do if she were president. Social media explodes! The next day, @write-inTaylor crashes X (formerly Twitter) and write-in videos flood TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, and Snapchat. Swift adds fuel to the fire with the release of a music video remake of The Man that looks a lot like a campaign ad.
AI Robots demonstrate in Washington, D. C. demanding equal rights.
September
Pundits exchange OpEd pieces on whether Swift, who will not be age 35 on Election Day, but will be by the January 2025 Inauguration Day, can run in the November 2024 election. While opinions diverge, most constitutional scholars believe she can. Pressed by journalists to say who will be her vice presidential running mate, Swift posts a remake of her Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince video wearing a Travis Kelce jersey.
Elon Musk opens the advance reservation site for Space-X flights to Mars. Amid increasing craziness worldwide, over 4 billion people apply.
October
While they have avoided a head-to-head contest, both Trump and Biden challenge Swift to a televised debate. In response, Swift releases a remake of Our Song describing her vision for America. In 24 hours, it has over a billion views.
Publix announces plans to renovate its Daniel Island store, keeping the existing footprint and building vertically. The 4th floor will house paper products and cleaning supplies; the 3rd bakery and beverages; the 2nd meat, dairy, and produce; and, like many stores, the main floor will offer shoes, cosmetics, jewelry, handbags, and notions. A bargain basement will sell dented cans and Bud Lite.
November
NFL RedZone is the first network to call the election. Despite being a write-in candidate, Swift wins a majority of the popular vote and all 538 electoral votes. The day after the election is marked by spontaneous celebrations across cities large and small, with people hugging each other and popping champagne. Journalists compare it to the end of World War II and the moon landing.
Students at Philip Simmons High School develop self-watering plants that extract moisture from the air.
OpenAI announces it has developed AI therapists to counsel AI robots who are confused and stressed by the stupid things humans do.
December
Ukrainian peace talks begin following a “friendly” call the Kelce brothers pay on Putin.
A bright light appears in the evening sky. People pause and count their many blessings. They spend more time with family and friends. Social media usage drops. People are more open to bridging differences and attentive to the needs of others. Anger and selfishness decline. Civility, kindness, and generosity grow. Secularism subsides; faithfulness and church attendance soar. National leaders no longer lift up sword against nation. And there are good tidings of great joy and on earth peace, good will toward man.