How good are you at asking for help?

I wasn’t expecting her to say yes. 

It was a simple morning. After checking in at the dentist’s office, I quickly took a seat in the foyer and noticed an elderly woman who was, quite visibly, chilled. To be more precise, she was shivering. So I said to her: “I happen to have a sweatshirt in my car, would you like me to get it for you?” She paused, clearly surprised by the stranger’s question, then said: “Yes, that would be wonderful.”  

It ended up being the best moment of my day.  

Granted, she didn’t “ask for help” – the subject of this column – but that’s the point. She didn’t ask. And perhaps she should have. 

What I felt at that moment is called the “Helper’s High” – it’s an emotional and physical experience we enjoy when we end up helping someone. Author Larry Dossey explains: “The concept of the ‘Helper’s High’ arose in the 1980s and has been confirmed in various studies since then. It consists of positive emotions following selfless service to others. Greater health and increased longevity are associated with this psychological state.”

 

Why don’t we ask for help? 

There’s no mystery here. We don’t wish to look weak, or vulnerable. In a piece for the New York Times, Catherine Pearson explains: “…many things can get in the way of asking others for help: Fear of rejection. Fear of imposing. The pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps mythology so ingrained in American culture.”

Our internal dialogue often goes something like this, according to writer Ashley Janssen: “I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want to look stupid, I will just figure it out on my own, I should know how to do this…” 

In all of this, we may be missing the point. We may be missing an opportunity to simultaneously receive help and help someone experience the Helper’s High. 

Mind you, I’m not chastising those who do things by themselves – independence and self-sufficiency are desirable qualities. But they do have their limitations and, too often, it seems, we end up suffering by not reaching out. 

 

Overwhelmed at work? 

 

The work environment presents a natural case study. Rebecca Zucker conducted a global study of 730 full-time professionals and found a result that seems all too logical: the workers who were most reluctant to ask for help (Zucker’s term: “lack of help-seeking”) were also the most overwhelmed. 

 

Asking for help, says Janssen, in a piece for goodtherapy.org, means admitting:

 

“You don’t know how to do something;

 

“You don’t have the ability or skill to do something;

 

“You could do something better or faster with assistance than alone;

 

“You are not perfect or a completely self-sufficient robot.”

 

All true, agrees Janssen, who chides us: “So you spend an inordinate amount of time, energy, and money struggling alone…guh!”

 

A few final thoughts, for those of us who hesitate:  

 

One: Perhaps we’re underestimating how willing people are to help. Pearson quotes Stanford social psychologist Xuan Zhao: “We feel good making a positive difference in other people’s lives. . . . Helping makes people feel better.”

 

Two: Every once in a while, try asking yourself: “Why didn’t I ask for help when I really could have used it?” “What’s stopping me,” “Why am I hesitant to ask?”

 

Three: Remember Janssen’s artful advice, “The right time to ask for help is before you need it.” 

 

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