How good are you at saying no?

Is it hard for you to say no? 

 

If it is, you’re not alone. Even the kindest among us experience moments when they said yes, when in retrospect they wished they had said no. 

 

Why are we so quick to say yes? 

 

“From an early age children are taught to be polite and forthcoming,” explains author Elizabeth Perry. “If a parent or teacher asked a child to do something, saying no was interpreted as a form of backtalk. In some cases, refusing an adult meant punishment or negative reinforcement.”

 

Author Chantalle Blikman agrees, “Sadly, we hold onto our childhood beliefs and we continue to associate no with being dislikeable, bad-mannered, unkind, or selfish. We worry that if we say no, we will feel humiliated, guilty, or ashamed, and will end up being alone, rejected, or abandoned.”

 

Saying No is About Self-Care

 

Those aren’t the only reasons we say yes. As social creatures, we say yes because we enjoy helping others and caring for others, and because we enjoy being liked. But a chorus of psychologists remind us that learning to say no is about self-care, about setting boundaries and respecting one’s own time. In a piece written for Very Well Mind, Elizabeth Scott says, “[L]earning to say no to more requests can be one of the biggest favors you can do yourself and for those you love.”

 

Today another string of requests will come your way. Some will be lightweight, “Would you mind grabbing our mail the next few days?” 

 

Others a bit more demanding, “Would you be able to watch our dog this weekend?” 

 

Still others of greater import, “Any chance I can crash at your place next week?”

 

Or a friend might ask you to volunteer or help them with a project. In each instance it’s important to pause and ask yourself: Will saying yes to the request prevent me from doing something else that is more important to me? 

 

You may have heard the phrase “Every yes is a no to something else.” So when a request comes your way, it’s important to know what you’re saying no to. 

 

The Perfect No? 

 

The ultimate challenge, of course, is to deliver a “no” that’s both kind and respectful, without insulting the person. Stephen Covey, author of the seminal work “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” shares this poignant story: 

 

“Some time ago, my wife was invited to serve as chairman of a committee in a community endeavor. She had a number of truly important things she was trying to work on, and she really didn’t want to do it. But she felt pressured into it and finally agreed. Then she called one of her dear friends to ask if she would serve on her committee. Her friend listened for a long time and then said, ‘Sandra, that sounds like a wonderful project, a really worthy undertaking. I appreciate so much your inviting me to be a part of it. I feel honored by it. For a number of reasons, I won’t be participating myself, but I want you to know how much I appreciate your invitation.’ Sandra was ready for anything but a pleasant ‘no.’ She turned to me and sighed, ‘I wish I’d said that.’”

 

A Few Tips

 

Of all the tips I’ve read, I think the most important is learning to pause before you answer. Be polite, for sure, but take a moment or three to think things through. A possible response: “Sounds great, let me get back to you on that.” 

 

Another important tip: keep it short, that is, if possible, try to avoid a lengthy explanation of why you can’t help, can’t make it, or join in. 

 

One example from the BetterHelp.com editorial team: Instead of saying “I’m sorry. I’m unable to help you tomorrow. I have five appointments and don’t think I’ll have time,” try: “No, I can’t do that tomorrow.” 

 

Two other key tips: Practice saying no and be firm but not harsh. 

 

It’s Your Time

 

Leo Babauta, creator of Zen Habits blog, says that learning to say no is “about taking care of your time, energy, and sanity.” He adds, “Once you learn how to say no in a good way, people will respect your willingness to practice self-care and prioritization.”