My Funny Valentine

“Cool!” I muttered softly as I completed my mission.

 

My lovely wife, Grace, set down the book she was reading, leaned over from her side of the bed, and inspecting the image on my iPad before I could change it, inquired, “What is that?” 

 

Figuring I was trapped, I decided to shift into selling mode. “It’s a really nifty device,” I proclaimed, putting my palms together and moving my fingertips slightly apart to illustrate how it worked. “The bottom part is V-shaped and narrow so that it fits between a car front seat and the console,” Increasing the space between my fingers, I capped my presentation off with, “And the top part is wider, sits snugly next to the console, and has compartments to neatly store stuff.”

 

“What stuff?”

 

“Oh, things like your phone, pens, or coupons.” When Grace didn’t reply I continued, “Glasses, keys, tissues, or maybe lipstick or a nail file.”

 

“I keep those in my purse,” Grace declared.

 

I tried to explain that while these things could go in a purse, the clever storage bin device would allow her to reach them without having to take her eyes off the road. She quickly countered that she wasn’t going to file her nails while driving. Deciding to beat a retreat, I mumbled, “OK,” and pulled the iPad toward me.

 

“Not so fast,” Grace announced, tugging the tablet in her direction. After inspecting the screen a tad more, she queried, “What’s that thing on the end? A cup holder?”

 

I confirmed that it was indeed, pointing out she could then have two beverages working at once. Grace shot that suggestion down immediately stating, “With the heavy cup holder on the front, it looks to me like it could slide forward and dump all that stuff on the floor of the car.” When I didn’t reply, she concluded her case with, “Especially the way you drive, with all those sudden stops and starts.”

 

Realizing my Valentine’s Day gift now was not going to be a surprise, I steered the discussion on a new path, asking Grace whether Aaron Rodgers might leave the Packers for the spot in Tampa opened up by Tom Brady’s retirement. Grace didn’t go for the change of direction and replied, “Dalton, please tell me you didn’t order one of those gadgets?” 

 

I was trapped. I thought about whether I could secretly cancel my order, but instead confessed my sin by nodding. Without turning my head, I could tell Grace was still looking at me. I held up two fingers.

 

“You bought two?” she spewed. “Heaven help us. It’s like the drain snake all over again!”

 

Grace has never let me forget the drain snake. It was a good purchase that just, somehow, went wrong. Grace had remarked that our bathroom sinks were draining slowly and that we should probably call a plumber. For a guy, that is not a suggestion; it is a challenge. No need to call a plumber. A quick search online yielded the answer – the drain snake. It is a bright orange (why not?) plastic strip about two feet long and maybe a half inch wide with barbs on the sides that make it look like a Medieval torture tool. I studied the website, which advertised the drain snake was “great for unclogging drains and flexes at the P-trap where most clogs occur.” I watched a YouTube video of people easily pulling gunk out of their drain. Easy peasy. So I shoved the sucker down Grace’s sink drain, gave it a slight turn and ... it wouldn’t budge. Not up. Not down. Not even sideways, no matter how hard I twisted or tugged the husky handle. 

 

Several remedial attempts with other tools and assorted liquids (I’d prefer not to describe the details) did nothing. The drain snake was stuck like King Arthur’s sword in rock. Grace called a plumber. I think it was the guy who advertises on television. “Don’t try to fix this at home. You’ll break something and make it worse.” I may have kick-started his media career although no royalty checks have shown up. But he cleared the drain, kept the offending drain snake, and confiscated the other two drain snakes I had received in my three-for-one purchase. 

 

I admit the drain snake was a slight snafu. But for the record, I have purchased Grace a number of useful items off the web. The motion sensor toilet bowl light was a great gadget until it somehow disappeared. Same for the hedgehog-shaped plastic dryer balls that help reduce wrinkles (And just between you and me, the wrinkles have increased a little since the dryer balls went missing.) Ditto the nonstick, reusable bags that can make grilled cheese sandwiches in the toaster and the toaster tongs. Fine, the tongs had a camo design, not

Grace’s kitchen color, but they worked.

 

So now I needed a new Valentine’s Day surprise for Grace. After she went to sleep, I tiptoed to the den, and navigated back online. Believe me, there is a ton of really good stuff there. I first thought I’d get her a set of 20 (really, 20!) kitchen pots, pans, and tools. The meat claws that shred chicken, pork and beef was a real bonus. The royal blue color was great, too. But then I saw it. Voila! The ideal gift. Chenille microfiber mop slippers. Grace sometimes says her feet are cold and these comfy and cozy puppies can be worn over shoes.

 

She also tells me that I occasionally (maybe a little more than that) drop crumbs in the kitchen. She points this out often when the morning sunlight illuminates the floor. Well, these slippers also — and I quote from the website — “clean your floor simply by walking around.” How about that? She can warm her feet and clean the floor — a terrific two-fer gift! Plus they come in a five-pack of vivid colors that should go nicely with her pajamas, sweatpants, and house dresses.

 

You should have seen her reaction when she opened the gift on Valentine’s Day.