Shhh! Here's the secrets to negotiate successfully

It’s not just in the boardroom. It’s in the bedroom as well.  

“We may not realize it,” writes Robert Gerlsbeck for the Smith School of Business newsletter, “but we’re negotiating every day.” 

For many, the word evokes thoughts of commerce, price dickering, corporate wheeling and dealing. But it goes far beyond.  

“Negotiation is one of the most important skills you’ll ever learn,” maintains Cindy Watson of Women on Purpose. “I go so far as to say that all of life is a negotiation – from negotiating your own mindset, to interactions with your kids or intimate partner, to big business deals.”  

Fear and self-doubt 

When the stakes are low, for example, "Where should we go for dinner tonight?"– we seldom tap into our emotions. But when the stakes rise – negotiating salaries, cars, houses, business deals – it often taps into our fears and self-doubt. How then do we ease our mind? 

Two pathways seem relevant: 1) recasting our view of what negotiation entails; and 2) improving our skills.  

The Common Downfall 

“The art of negotiation is not solely about winning,” maintain the authors at Psychology Today. “It’s about communication, collaboration, and creating win-win situations for all parties involved.”   

“To many,” adds Gerlsbeck, “negotiating is a zero-sum game. There’s a winner. And there’s a loser. But (professor) Shai Dubey takes a more optimistic approach.” 

Gerlsbeck shares Dubey’s philosophy: A successful negotiation is “when the parties leave the table getting what they both wanted.”  

The common downfall? “We make assumptions” about what the other side wants, “we hear what we want to hear rather than listening to what they are really looking for. Then we try to persuade them based on how we see the world, not how they see the world.” 

Just for 30 seconds 

Known for her extraordinary negotiation skills, Susie Tomenchok shares what we know intuitively: “The best negotiators consider the interests of the other party.” 

Tomenchok talks about the power in 30 seconds: “In a Harvard leadership and negotiation course, when they do simulations … they tell one group to – just for 30 seconds – consider the interests of the other party before they go in. That group has measurably better results than the other, just by simply taking 30 seconds.” 

Ways to Improve 

How important is preparation? Dubey to Gerlsbeck: “It’s probably the most critical thing.” Tomenchok agrees: “The key, just like finding a house, is location, location, location; in negotiation, it's prepare, prepare, prepare.” 

The authors at Psychology Today are of like mind: “Preparation is far more important than execution. Explore questions both small and large ahead of time.” 

Katie Shonk of Harvard Law encourages us to “negotiate the process before the substance.” And the authors at Robert Walters USA remind us that “confidence is the cornerstone of effective negotiation. It's not just about what you say, but how you say it.”  

Common tips: be aware of your emotions, your triggers. And be willing to walk away. 

Oh, and don’t forget the power of silence. 

“Silence is a great way to illustrate that you're listening and you understand,” says Tomenchok, who adds, “I think that's the best practice is, when you make an offer, or you're given an offer, learn to (create an) awkward silence (by) counting to 10 slowly.” 

Our final word is from Watson who asks: “Did the negotiation strengthen the relationship?” 

Her salient point: “Sometimes the relationship is more important than the ‘thing’ or issue you’re negotiating about.”